I felt like I was starting all over again while trying to process and proceed through this “new” shame that came with the paternity results. I realized that had I not been so careless, so thick-headed, and stubborn, I could have saved us all these lost experiences, moments, days, and years. At this time I felt as if I had single-handedly destroyed us all. Had it not been for Austin needing me and keeping me grounded, I would have run as far as I could from this little town, our HOME. Thankfully, God knew the beauty He had in store for us and running was not in the cards. I had vowed to myself that I would never move Austin from the Mustang school district after experiencing both sides of what that feels like. My parents moved us around A LOT in my adolescence and I felt as if it robbed us of keeping any real connections with friends. That was before they split, my mom and stepdad later married and we landed in Yukon. As I’ve expressed previously, it was then that I felt like life had started. I felt at home and made friends that I still have. THAT is what I wanted for my kids and the stability that came with it. It was something that made me feel like I did right by Austin. No matter who was there or if it was just the two of us, I could do that. Keep him in this school district with his same friends, make him peanut butter waffles nearly every morning, cook him dinner every night, and be there for anything he needed me for. Yes, this was often difficult and overwhelming at times, but to this day it has been one of the most rewarding accomplishments in my life.
I tried as hard as I could to suck it up and include Lee in everything we had going on, but it was mostly a futile effort on my part. I couldn’t understand how he could go from being so involved, even over the top on occasion (Lee had once arranged for Austin to be taken by limousine to and from his Pre-K graduation) before the paternity test, to becoming this new guy who seemed as if he could care less. I of course blamed myself… Had I not cheated him of his paternal rights from the start it would have been different; or so the enemy kept telling me, as he set his demons of guilt and shame on my back. I carried that weight around for far too long and Lee loved to throw it in my face; this made it easier for him to get away with behavior and rid himself of blame. In turn, I felt as if I should let him take it out on me because it was in fact my fault and he needed to express that before we could move forward. Perfectly logical right?!
In all actuality, things had gotten much darker in Lee’s world and it was trickling over onto Austin and me more than I knew at the time. It became more clear over the next year just how bad things had escalated. People made threatening phone calls to me in the middle of the night saying, I should “tell Lee to watch his back, we know where his old lady and kid live”. On another occasion, there was a dirty Canadian County DEA agent calling me from the parking lot of our apartments, he told me he was watching us as he was parked right next to my Geo Tracker. The man had busted Lee prior to this but Lee had taken off for parts unknown. I had no knowledge of Lee’s whereabouts; he didn’t tell me because of “plausible deniability”, but the “cop” didn’t believe me when I told him. He then proceeded to harass me until I had to move. Lee was absent for a while and I honestly don’t know a lot about what came of that situation. Later, he eventually came “home”, he was back in with Austin and me and cleaned up for a short stint, right before the final straw…..
Those few months consisted of me taking care of everyone but myself. Before I went to work during the day, I dropped off Austin and two of Lee’s younger cousins (who were staying with us for the time being), every morning before school and picked them up from various locations after I got off. I would then come home to cook and clean up dinner; I made sure the kids all got their homework done and that they were bathed, I did everything to raise these kids, all while Lee slept. I was making $9.50 an hour as the sole “breadwinner” of our house. I was exhausted, but still in belief that I could endure it as long as I needed to; until Lee could get clean, forgive me, and we could be a family.
At some point, the addiction crept back in. Lee had a friend who was always in need, and he literally moved the dude into the SHED that was behind my trailer. It was the dead of winter and when I say shed, I mean it was made to store tools and there was no insulation. You could see your breath in there! He had a twin mattress that he slept on and he would occasionally come in to eat dinner with us. Other than that, I was too busy and tired to keep track of what he did out there. It would be years later that a mutual acquaintance of mine and Lee’s spilled the beans that the guy was out there cooking meth. I still don’t know how I could be so naive?! No matter, the wolf was back at the door, I got us by as long as I could until all hell broke loose one night.
It was a weeknight, a school/work night for the rest of us; I had just gotten ready for bed, comfy and ready to watch TV until I would fall asleep and get up to do everything all over again. Lee was looking healthy, he had put on some weight from all the meals I was cooking him. He came into the bedroom, showered, then put on a new cute Tommy Hilfiger shirt I’d just bought him for Christmas, he squirted on some cologne (also from me), grabbed the cigarettes that he had me stop to get him on my way home, and finally proceeded to tell me that he was “going out” with so and so, and he’d “see me tomorrow”. You’ve heard of the show “Snapped” right? I can tell you that it’s a real thing and it happened to me in that very moment. I opened my mouth and the shrillest, screeching noise came out of me; every trial and tragedy we had endured, every high and low, all of the accomplishments but also regrets, all of it came crashing down in seconds. I told him a lot of things on my mind but the gist of my statement was to never come back. This was it, the final thing to make everything click in my head. I was the only one who could change these circumstances for Austin and me, and that was exactly what I did. That was the last time we’d live under the same roof, it was also the last time there was ever a semblance of Lee attempting to be any kind of father to his son, but it was the beginning of me and Austin’s new lives and it is how we got where we are today. THANK YOU LORD!
Galatians 5:1 So Christ has set us free. Now make sure that you stay free and don’t get tied up again in the slavery of the law.
