I get on my Craftsman zero turn and can lose myself after just a couple of passes. There’s just something about the fresh air, mingling with the smell of fresh-cut grass, and the sense of accomplishment you feel when you finally go to park the mower. It leaves your mind open to such possibility. Twice today I was reminded that our time here on earth, from the time we’re born to the time we move on, is fleeting. It’s just a blip on the road to eternity. I’ve attended three funerals, in the last couple of months and they were all sobering at the very least. So all the time to reflect has made it clear yet again, press on Melissa, tell your story. Most days it’s like pulling teeth. Trying to figure out how to tell my story without telling everyone else’s close to me…. And also how to glorify God without just telling juicy details, because let’s face it, I’m just a mere person with MANY faults and also PLENTY of unbecoming behavior. Basically, the opposite of Jesus. Now you know!
So Ray and I….. We had just gotten back from New Orleans and he loved me. We definitely were spending more and more time together. Austin was to go to his dad’s who had moved to Texas for several weeks when school got out. That was very hard on both of us since we’d never spent that kind of time apart. I called every day until Lee asked me to stop because it was upsetting Austin so much. That was such a helpless feeling and I very much needed a distraction, and boy did I get one!! Ray and I were inseparable, and it caught up to us. The signs were there, I was moody (chalked that up to missing Austin), I was emotional (see previous reasoning), and I was LATE. I know I should’ve seen that coming, I wasn’t some young, uneducated teen. What I was, was an irresponsible woman who was flying by the seat of my pants, and now I was forced to deal with my feelings for Ray. It was another Wednesday night, we would’ve normally been meeting at the bar. When Ray called to let me know he’d see me there, I told him that I wasn’t going and that I needed to talk to him. He was quiet for a minute before he asked, “Do you not like me anymore?” I assured him that that wasn’t it and promised to pick him up later. I’d done the math over and over in my head and it looked like New Orleans was more than just where he’d first declared his love. So I put on the Coyote Ugly tank top I’d gotten on that trip and some little black shorts and tried to be confident and hold my head high when I showed up to get him. A bunch of our friends were there and he must’ve told them something was up because they were all making snide comments and giving us a hard time. He walked over and laid a big kiss on me, grabbed my hand and we headed for the door. I kept playing the conversation over in my head. How was he going to react?! This was going to be it, I’d know in a few minutes if he really loved me, or if those were just words. My track record wasn’t great, and this was not how I saw things going in the plans I’d made for our future.
When I said the words I could see a little jolt of shock cross his face, but it was quickly replaced with the cutest grin and what seemed like genuine happiness. He asked me if that meant we were getting married, and I honestly knew that’s what we were “supposed” to do, but didn’t want it to just be because I was pregnant. So I deflected that question with one of my own and the topic was shelved for the time being. Logistics came next. Meet his parents, him meet mine, get to know each other better…. In my mind we were checking things off the to-do list, moving in the marriage and family direction. We celebrated our first back-to-back birthdays together shortly after, we went to Eischen’s with all my family and friends on my birthday and I was wearing a cute little maternity tank top and jean shorts. I was really starting to feel like it was my own little backward fairy tale, but looking back I can remember thinking something felt off between Ray and I. I chalked it up to all the trauma from past experiences and continued to live in ignorant bliss.
There were a few times when Ray had been unavailable randomly, but he would always have some sort of explanation and I never felt like I had a reason to question him. Until one afternoon in late June that is, the day that felt so surreal after everything I’d experienced throughout my past and then falling for this same kind of man, who’d promised me the world and then took it back. He’d started to feel distant and I’d called him on it, he said he had to go to Tulsa for the weekend but wanted to talk when he got back. “Take care of my baby” he’d told me. When he got back he called me and said he was on his way over and wanted to take Austin and me to dinner. He was visibly very uncomfortable when he got there, and said we needed to talk first. I sent Austin to his room, and that’s when Ray told me that his ex was 7 weeks pregnant with his baby. I don’t remember everything that I said, I know it started with “How could you do this to me?” And continued with some comments like “liar” etc. I’m not really sure how long that rant lasted, but at some point, the yelling became quiet conversation where he apologized over and over, “he’d never meant for it to happen this way, he loved me, he still wanted me, and our baby,” on and on. At some point, Austin came to ask when we were going to dinner because he was starving. We loaded up and went to Cimmaron Steakhouse and I choked down my food while Ray told Austin he could say the word “Birdshit” just one time and they laughed and laughed while I sat there in a daze.
Things were understandably strained between us after that and it felt as if much was up in the air. Everyone had an opinion as to what I/we should do. One day Michael showed up at my house and was incredulous that I was still with Ray. He said I looked like a fool and I should send him packing. Then another time the ex’s cousin showed up and filled me in on some details I hadn’t heard from Ray at all. At that point in time I thought again, “It doesn’t get worse than this. I’ve hit rock bottom for sure this time. I can’t do this.” And while it definitely got harder before it got better, there was this strange peace rooted inside me. I can recognize it now as The Holy Spirit, The One True Advocate, reassuring me, filling me with hope when I had none of my own. And also it was the sweet little angel He was blessing us with. I knew she was a girl, I could feel the bond growing between us already. I asked God to make her a little mini-me, and He heard me. (Now our running joke is that I forgot to ask for exclusions!) Also though was something else, that I could’ve never seen coming. The craziest beauty from ashes story that HE had planned all along. The incredible, indescribable bond that I’d also form with my stepdaughter and that of her and her sister. They were born 41 days apart and whenever we’d go anywhere people thought they were twins. As they got older we stopped correcting people when they asked, because the only thing more awkward than the actual situation, was having to explain it repeatedly.
In all actuality what I thought was unbearable, has become one of the biggest blessings of my life. The Lord does certainly have big and great things planned for us, but if we don’t muster the strength that comes from trusting in HIM, we might miss what HE’s doing FOR us. Had I run then, the rest of my life would’ve been altered or maybe even nonexistent. Throughout the angst I was feeling, this other sweet angel baby became a blessing for me too. She’s brought me joy I never knew was possible to have for a child you hadn’t given birth to personally, and I can honestly say I couldn’t love her any more if I had.
But here’s the other kicker, I could never have seen coming…. Her mom and her family have become people I consider family. Was it always that easy? No. But as we’ve all healed, we’ve formed a bond that is nothing less than familial. My co-mama sends me inspirational scripture and encouragement when she knows I/we are going through hard times. She prays for us, as do I for her. Her family loves my other kids as well as my stepdaughter (disclaimer here* I NEVER refer to her as my stepdaughter and it feels weird and foreign to do so now! For the sake of y’all being able to follow the story is my only purpose!) All of this came from this hard time that we all experienced together. It has been hard in so many ways, but that’s what makes the beauty that’s come from it, so much more astounding.
My Pastor said something today that stuck with me. He said, “The first thing sin does is bring the desire to cover it up.” For me personally, this statement has rang so true in my life. When the truth of it all came out, I was mortified. I felt anger, shame, resentment, (feelings that were all too familiar) and very truly would’ve preferred never to have told this story. Hide, the enemy told me, don’t you have more pride than to give him a chance to redeem himself?! What about you?? You aren’t worthy of love, or blessings. When we’re under that kind of self-scrutiny and find ourselves vulnerable, is when he tries his best to use it to divide us from God. For me, that all changed when I was led to start writing. It’s terrifying, but also so liberating. I’m just this meer person, who’s lived a lifetime of questionable choices, made terrible decisions, and yet here I am being given more grace and mercy than even a true saint deserves. THAT is THE FATHER’S love, He’s the unfailing one. The One who loves us because we are HIS children. Living in a way to bring God glory isn’t easy, especially since we were given free will. However, I would encourage you to remember that no matter your circumstances, they CAN be turned around through HIM. The Author of our stories, The Advocate of our needs and desires. He already knows how it ends, all we can do is trust His word and plan. I’m so glad that I didn’t run from Ray when I felt like I “should” because that’s what “they” all said. Instead, we stuck it out, we’ve had twenty years of love, hardship, shared family, absolute heartbreak, overflowing joy, and everything in between. If I hadn’t trusted that, I’d have missed it all and it’s been instrumental in who I’ve become fundamentally. Trials and tribulations bring forth growth and wisdom if we choose not to run. I didn’t and neither did Ray, and all this was the precursor to much, much more that He’s had in this plan for us. This one is an easier one to tell, it’s evidence that our Heavenly Father is not only there, but that He’s listening, He’s answering. We just have to be still enough to hear/see it when it shows up.
James 1:12 NIV Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
