I came, I saw, I went. I did it. The thing I thought would possibly kill me has come and gone. I raised five kids. Three from birth and two of them partially, because that’s the cards we were dealt. If you’ve read any of my previous posts you may be wondering where the fifth one came from. Not an easy topic for any of us, but neither was any of the other things I’ve shared thus far. In short, she’s our niece, the daughter of my late sister-in-law and her late husband. To say it’s tragic is a gross understatement for all of us, but mostly for her. Nevertheless, we all made it through by the skin of our teeth, and we did it through not only COVID, but also through the single most horrifying events any of us have ever experienced, and hopefully will ever experience. Also, the reason I let this blog become stagnant for more than a year. My pride and joy, the very most important thing I cherish, my family, was suffering in ways I couldn’t limp us through and still maintain anything besides breathing and helping them to do the same. My new philosophy on life is the oxygen mask on the plane thing. You know when the flight attendant says, “In the event of a lack of oxygen or loss of cabin pressure your oxygen mask will fall from the ceiling and you must put on your own before you can help anyone else”? It turns out that’s the truth. If you pass out or die from lack of oxygen, you’re useless to whomever you’re trying to help. Like almost everything else I’ve learned in life, I’ve learned this the hard way. It’s also become apparent to me that I can’t continue the path I was on of telling my story in chronological order because that will expose other things and people, who’ve suffered quite enough without having to worry about whoever reads this knowing their private business. Maybe someday they’ll want their story to be told in the spirit of justice, but for now, those things will remain just that, private. There’s still so much more that The Lord has prompted me to share, as Christians, we’re all told to go out and be disciples. So that’s what I’m doing, swallowing my pride and plugging forward. I’mmmm baaaccckkkkkk……
I recently read something that stated the saying people like to throw around about “God not giving us more than we can handle” isn’t something we’ll find in the Bible, and that’s the truth. That’s because there are LOTS of things we can’t handle, BUT He can. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13. It then went on to say just ask Job, Joseph, or Paul. Me too, I’ll testify. The unspeakable things that nearly destroyed my family, were never meant for us to handle alone. God was right there with us, protecting us, loving us, and working on our behalf to bring us through. In the moments when we couldn’t fathom that these things were really happening to us when it felt as if time stood still and would maybe stay that way forever, He went before us and made a way out. He brought us through and then was so faithful to the promises He made, that we not only made it through, but we’ve begun to heal, to thrive, to forgive. Only God could do that. Have you ever been so wronged by people who have abused you, and then got mad that you didn’t sacrifice everything dear to you to save them, your abusers? I have. And God saw me through. I’ve pursued His word, done countless Bible studies, knelt at the altar in church, and cried out to Him for help, and He answered. Over the last year+, I’ve seen the goodness of God up close, over and over. He is faithful even when we’re not. It’s our flawed human nature that lets doubt creep in. We can’t imagine that kind of grace or how to give it to someone who’s turned their back on us or done us wrong, but He can and He does. Through this journey He’s taught me that, He’s shown me to pray for my enemy, that’s a hard one to swallow if you’ve never done it. But it’s also maybe the most freeing thing He could’ve taught me because when you are able to do that, you’re no longer burdened by the strongholds of anger, resentment, and bitterness just to name a few. I’ve never felt so unburdened as I do after learning what it truly means to rest in His word. He has the final say and I’m so thankful for that, because in all actuality, without Him we probably would not have made it through, and that’s the truth.
While trudging through the mess of it all, I’ve personally struggled with the reality that my husband and I were in fact becoming empty nesters. There was a time when I didn’t know if our marriage was going to survive it. He’s the one person who has given me the green light to “tell it all”. In hindsight, it’s that kind of support that gives me hope for us. He’s literally walked away from everything he’d ever known for me and our family, and also in the name of everything that is RIGHT. Strength like that is rare and takes my breath away. I see it in his face sometimes, the pain it causes. But he quickly buries it when he catches me noticing. I’ve walked in on tears he meant to be shed silently and it has felt as if it would kill us both, and yet the motivation to persevere was fueled by the love we have for each other and our kids, also by God’s promise, always by that. I have confidence that we can do this, you don’t make it through the things we have, just to walk away later. Now we’re figuring out who we are as just he and I without the responsibilities we’ve shared for the last twenty almost two years. For me, it’s the first time I’ve lived as an adult in my own home without a child under my roof. What does that even look like?! One thing I’ve learned is that you can be naked any time you want and you don’t have to worry about causing your kids to go blind, that’s come in handy since I quit taking the hormones that were prescribed to me after my hysterectomy and am now experiencing the hot flashes I thought other women always exaggerated about, turns out those are real! Also, Ray and I realized that we got fat during Covid. It could’ve been all the Braum’s we ate. My phone started to tell me it was nine minutes to Braum’s every time I got in the car on Friday nights. That was a hard one to lay down, but Covid helped with that a little. The third time I got it, I finally experienced the loss of taste and smell when trying to enjoy a cheeseburger from Braum’s. Ray had started dieting right before that, making up his own meal plans as he went. Then the kids were hardly ever home for dinner anymore, so I decided to follow suit and join him in his weight loss pursuit because let’s face it, naked fat is less appealing. It’s working too, we’ve both made pretty good progress.
It’s felt as if literally just about everything has changed/is changing. Our family and it’s dynamic, our empty home, our bodies as our age is rearing it’s ugly head, the loss of so many people we’ve known, both dear to us or someone close to us, some in death, and some to mental illness, and this world. This crazy, sad, scary, dysfunctional, horrifying crap show that’s deteriorating at an alarming rate, right before our eyes. I keep reminding myself that my kids are just being kids, “flexing their newly acquired adult muscles”, just as their dad and I did, and every generation before us did too. What bothers me is whether they’ll have time to learn everything they need to, before the time that allows for that is ripped away from them. This is something I talk to God about almost every day, and usually can walk away from that conversation feeling better than when it started. Some may think that using the term “conversation” when referring to talking to God sounds far-fetched or crazy, but if you’ve been blessed to realize that the still small voice you hear in your innermost head, heart, and soul is actually Him, you’re on to something. When you recognize the sound of it, you learn things that are invaluable. You can sense things like discernment/wisdom, things that can prevent you from making mistakes if you actually listen to them. That’s something I’m still working on and maybe always will be. I’ve figured out that to move forward in life, we have to humble ourselves enough to learn new things, even if it’s from our kids, even if it’s uncomfortable. Lord, I’m willing. Thanks for never giving up on me.
Psalms 119:105 NIV Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
