There are a lot of things I’m sorry for, so many in fact, that I can’t begin to list them all. I’ve already noted the highlights of some of my biggest regrets/mistakes in previous posts. So now I’d like to talk about some of the things that I’m unapologetic for. My kids have been telling me that I’m a terrible communicator. I won’t argue with that since I’ve learned better ways to communicate through counseling sessions, I’ve done in the aftermath of the trauma our family has experienced. It turns out that I’ve become “woke” in my own way. I’ve learned that I’m a product of my upbringing, as were my parents with theirs’, my grandparents with theirs’, and so on. Just to be clear, I’m not apologizing for that on any of our behalves. None of us asked for any of the unhealthiness that ensued as a result of the generations before us, it all just simply was. After lots of time considering all of this, it’s given me new perspective on much of the things I thought I knew before. It’s also become glaringly apparent to me that my entire life, including in some of my previous posts about authenticity, I still wasn’t being 100% authentic. I’ve realized that maybe that’s a goal that can never fully be achieved since I seem to constantly be evolving into the person I want to be, the person I was created to be, therefore inauthentic, because I’m still trying to figure out who the true me is. Something I’ve learned because of that is grace. I’ve known of grace for as long as I can remember having grown up in the church, also because I’ve been the receiver of it countless times from my Heavenly Father. I’ve preached it to my kids; I’ve tried my best to give it when it was expected of me. I’ve also needed it recently from people in my life and had it withheld for various reasons. This is the kind of thing that can really test our faith if we let it, and let’s face it, we probably will because we’re mere humans. Yep, turns out I’m still a trainwreck and may always be on some levels, but I’ll die trying to do better. As I said before, those things that were instilled in me from before even birth? Those I’m not apologizing for. They’re the things that made me. They’re what has taught me who I am and also who I don’t want to be. That still small voice ever present, trying to guide me when I’ll let it. Thank goodness for that because my flesh can sure put up a fight! Old me, fleshy me, cusses like a sailor sometimes. She has a smart mouth that has some kind of retort on the ready as soon as someone disagrees with her opinion. She thinks mean thoughts sometimes, and there are days when she feels she’s entitled to more. Nevertheless, she’s still me some/most days. She sounds terrible, like a real know-it-all that I wouldn’t want to be around if she were anyone else. This is the part where grace comes in. We have to be able to give it to ourselves, just as we expect it from others.
My bestie has this nephew, whom I adore. I’ve known him since he was just a little boy and have loved him just as long. He’s a giver, a do-er, a helper in every way, a fast talkin’ comedian that can get you laughing even when you don’t feel like it, a servant of the Lord, and he’s an addict. We pray for each other, we fight for each other, and we believe in each other too. He recently completed a rehab program and gained a plethora of knowledge that’s he’s shared with all of us. One of those things is that when we see qualities in others that we don’t like, we tend to have a similar trait ourselves. “If you spot it, you got it” he says. Man if that ain’t humbling….. Years ago he was incarcerated for a stint, and was really struggling with his addiction and the repercussions of fighting it while in prison. He’d been pretty forthcoming with his family and we’d all been praying on his behalf in our bible study group and otherwise. One night, in the middle of the night, I woke up needing to go to the bathroom. This wasn’t anything unusual for me, I’ve carried three kids and that changes your pee habits tremendously needless to say. When you’re used to that being your normal, you adapt over time and in turn, I’ve perfected the art of “sleep-peeing” over the years. I can make my way there and back without even opening my eyes on most occasions, but on this night, it was different. A lot of the time my mind will immediately go into prayer mode for my “Jerusalem”, this is what my pastor refers to the people in your immediate circle as. Then the next level of people you love and prioritize are your Judea, and the level after that everyone else, is Samaria. On that night though, I had an overwhelming urge to pray for the nephew which felt odd, but I did anyway and eventually fell back asleep. The next morning I had a dentist appointment and called my bestie on the way there to tell her about the incident. She said she hadn’t heard anything and thought he was fine. We chatted a bit longer and then I went on to my appointment. After I was done I checked my phone and saw that she had texted me to call her as soon as I left the dentist, so I called right then. When she answered I could tell she was crying and was immediately filled with dread. She said that she’d talked to her sister and that he’d been severely beaten up the night before. It broke our hearts, but it also shook us to the core. What we thought had been a random incident, turned out to be the Holy Spirit prompting me to pray for him. There was no other explanation and I got full body chills when it dawned on me. I often pray that God will use me as His vessel to help whoever is in need that I’m capable of helping, and HE answered that prayer that night for sure. I was dumbstruck after hanging up the call with my friend, shaking on the way home and contemplating the “proof” of God that had just been revealed to me. I decided to grab a sandwich at Subway before going home. I’d been praising the Lord the whole way and still was when I got inside. I was ready to give my order when once again I got a sense that I was supposed to order a footlong instead of the six-inch I always ordered otherwise. In the spirit of being obedient, I placed my order, checked out, and left for home. I no more than got to the corner, when I saw a man sitting there with a sign saying that he was down on his luck and needed help. I immediately knew this was the reason for the footlong sandwich so I rolled down the window and he picked himself up off of the ground and approached my passenger side. Tears of gratitude filled his eyes as I handed him the bag with the sandwich in it and drove away. I remember thinking then, “Okay God, I’m paying attention!” There have been many occasions since then that have presented themselves and I’ve tried to answer each one as they came. I say all of this to say how wonderful it can be to experience the blessing of the closeness we can have with God when we follow the path He puts in front of us.
On the days when I’m my toughest critic, I’m trying to remember that these “calls” I sometimes get are both a blessing for the recipient and for me as well. I believe it’s HIM telling me to keep going, that He’s pleased with me. And I think to myself that maybe I’m not too terrible if He can love me, even when I don’t love myself. The parts of me I’m unapologetic for, the me that I like/love are willing. She’s obedient, she loves fiercely and with all she has even if it’s not reciprocated, she’s full of hope, she takes chances (sometimes they’re even brave), she tries new things (she might quit them, but she wouldn’t have known had she not tried), she’s trustworthy, she has a heart of gold and again, like David, it’s after God’s own heart. She’s fallen countless times, but always gets back up. “She” sounds like someone I’d like. I’m betting on her.
My prayer is that this will help anyone who reads this, even if it’s just one. He leaves the ninety-nine for the one lost sheep. It’s me, I’m the lost sheep. Come get me Lord.
Luke 15:4-7 NLT In the same way, there is more joy in Heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away.
