A few months ago, my Bible study group completed The Power to Change by Craig Groeschel and I can honestly say that it impacted the way I think and is helping me re-program the way I want to do life. In it he talks about satan’s strategy of tearing us down, and he says his primary target is our identity. That really resonated with me, as I’m sure is true for most everyone. When we’re at our most vulnerable is when he comes for us. I’ve been 10,000 different versions of myself it feels like, before I’ve finally begun to just relax and trust God to lead me wherever He wants me to go. I’d be lying if I said it’s been easy, but I’m learning that when I seek His will, not my own, things flow a little easier. There’s less fear, more hope, and things like confidence and faith are more attainable, but only if we’re willing to let Him take control of our lives. I have some of the best people on earth in my circle, but I dare say that there isn’t one single person who I would just give the reins over to and let them be the driver for me. Not necessarily because I don’t trust them, but more of a fear that they wouldn’t do it how I wanted it done. When it comes to God, we don’t have to worry about that, because when we believe in Him, we have the comfort of knowing that He is faithful. Isaiah 25:1 says that in PERFECT FAITHFULNESS, He has done wonderful things, things planned long ago. When I look at it through that lens, it makes me feel exceptional. He made me to accomplish big things, to shine His light in my own unique ways, and He made you for the same reasons. Reasons that are so intricately woven we may never know their depth until we’re called home, but I know that for me, when that day comes, I hope to hear Him say, “Well done.” I pondered these things as my Granny lay on her death bed and we sat gathered around her. When the time was near, she was looking into the corner of the bedroom (the same corner my papa looked at from his death bed) at something the rest of us couldn’t see. My Aunt asked her if she saw something, and granny nodded her head yes. Then she asked her if it was pretty, and my granny, who hadn’t been coherent in a couple of days, replied back, “So, so pretty”… And we all knew in that moment that she could see a glimpse Heaven. If you’ve doubted God’s existence, I’m telling you that if you are present as a person is dying, you wouldn’t question it again. HEAVEN IS REAL. Knowing that to be true with every fiber of my being, is what keeps me moving forward when I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to squander away any more of the time He’s given me, and it makes me sad, mad, indifferent, hopeful, and a whole plethora of other emotions when I think about the things that have been handed down to my kids, my husband, and yes even myself, that none of us had a say in, but nevertheless will be a part of us, that we can never get back. I KNOW that He is real, that He can turn ALL Things into good, and I know that He sometimes uses the hard things for us to share with others so that maybe they won’t feel so alone. In the spirit of that, where we left off…
My helper…
The next day, we woke up and went through the motions of our everyday lives. While I carried out my normal routine, I wondered what I needed to do to help the girls get prepared for whatever was going to happen next. I called their counselor to ask her how I should proceed, and she said it was good that I called because anytime abuse allegations have been made, they are liable to alert the authorities and that if we didn’t report it, we could have not only Alex taken from us, but also Ray III as they were both still minors at that time. That rocked me to my core. Now there was a chance they’d take our kids from us for this?! There was no way I was going to let that happen, whatever they wanted us to do is what we would do.
Ray and I had planned to meet at the house at 2:00 that afternoon and ride together to his parents’ house. As we pulled out of the driveway he said, “Babe this is some real ride-or-die stuff you’re doing with me, thank you.” It broke my heart the way his hands and voice shook with fear. We talked about what we thought the reaction would be and that if his dad left the room for any reason, that we’d leave in case he came back with a gun. As we discussed that possibility, I had started to shake too. Was this really something we were expecting? For his dad to shoot us?! It seems so surreal looking back on it all now. We decided that we would back the car into the driveway in case we needed to make a quick getaway. As we got out of the car and walked in through the garage entrance, it occurred to me that it was likely going to be the last time that would ever happen. We found his parents sitting in the front room, playing cards. It was an awkward hello, as if they somehow knew what was coming. We went into the kitchen and sat down at the table. Ray began to talk about all the problems we’d experienced with Faye since we’d never divulged any of it to them before, he was building a pattern for them to follow. His dad stood up abruptly and said, “Hold on, I need to turn on the air, it’s hot in here all of the sudden.” As he came back to the table, Ray continued and said, “After these last few years of not knowing what was wrong, we then heard from Alex that Papa had been molesting her and Faye admitted he’d done it to her too.” There was a short, stunned silence and then out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother-in-law lay her hand on her husband’s arm and she exclaimed, ‘Him?” and Ray said, “Yes mom, dad.” She began to moan incoherently, and my heart genuinely went out to her. My father-in-law then proceeded to say, “I’m a sexual deviant. I did touch Alex, Faye, Denise,” and then listed other family members as well. As he was speaking, his wife got up from the table and went out into the garage and he continued on. He was very matter of fact as if what he was saying was somehow normal. My husband interjected at some point and asked him if it had ever been done to him, and he said that no, it hadn’t. Ray stood up from the table and, “I’ve got to go check on mom,” and looked to me to make sure I was okay. When he left, I said, “All these years you’ve made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, while meanwhile this is what was really happening. You let Alex believe it was her fault that her mother died, knowing that it was likely what you had done to her that made her into what she’d become. How could you let that baby go through that?” Ray and his mother came in from the garage about that time and she was wailing, saying she didn’t want to live anymore and how could he do this? I got up and went to her, she was slumped over on the kitchen counter inconsolable though I tried. I heard Ray yelling at his father saying, “Look what you’ve done, look what you’ve done to her, to this family, to those innocent little girls, to my sister.” He then began to tell him what the counselor said about reporting it to the police and that he better hide, because he didn’t want to run into our boys anywhere because they wanted to kill him, and that none of us ever wanted to see him again. I looked up at that point and his dad was just sitting there nodding his head as Ray confronted him. I kept waiting for him to say he was sorry, to beg for our forgiveness, for his wife’s forgiveness, but that never came. Meanwhile she was still reeling, rambling about not wanting to be there anymore. I was holding her up, it felt like she would crumble into a heap at any moment. I told her to come with us, to which she shook her head, saying, “No, no”, over and over. It felt like we were in some alternate universe trapped and would never be able to go back again. How could something that brought about such truth and clarity, answers to questions we’d begged for answers to come from something so evil? It was like every shocking tell-all documentary we’d ever seen, unfolding right in front of us, but it was with our own family, in real time. When people say they never saw it coming, I understood that now. After what seemed like a lifetime, Ray eventually realized there was no apology coming. His mother wasn’t going to leave and there was nothing else for us there. Driving away from there was a relief and foreboding at the same time, we’d done what we set out to do, but nothing came from it. After we got home and told the kids that he had in fact admitted what he’d done, a quiet peace fell among us as short-lived as it was. Emotionally we’d all just completed the hardest marathon we’d ever run, even though we weren’t even close to being finished yet.
The day after that was Tuesday October 5th, Ray III’s birthday. We were doing our best to proceed with joy for the life we’d been given and were determined to celebrate our son that day. I still hadn’t told anyone in my family what was going on. My mom and step-dad had a trip planned with my aunt and uncle and I had committed to stay at their house with my granny while they were gone. I knew this was pushing my limits, but also knew how badly they all needed the trip. My granny lived with my Aunt Jean and her husband for years and was on a rollercoaster of life with hospice care, and I had planned for this with them for months. I had never kept a secret like this from them and couldn’t bring myself to tell them because I knew they’d cancel their trip if I did. There was also some fear behind that decision of how they’d react when they did find out. We had a daytime caregiver so essentially, I just needed to be there for the nights. So, we muddled through the birthday party as best we could without giving anything away, and somehow pulled it off. On Wednesday, the girls had therapy appointments that evening. They hadn’t made it home yet and there was a knock on our front door. It was an Oklahoma City detective who was there to talk to us about everything, just as the therapist said would happen. Even though we knew it was coming, that didn’t make it any easier. He explained to Ray and me what he was going to discuss with the girls and then asked us to repeat our portion of the story to him. When Faye and Alex got home, they were surprised to see him there as well. They weren’t ready to tell it again, especially to a stranger, to a man, but they powered through it anyway. He took their statements and then told us he’d be in touch. We got a call the next day to set up an interview for Faye, Alex, Erin and myself to talk to detectives. We were all nervous and sick to our stomachs as we waited outside the police department for someone to buzz us in. Finally, they came and got us, and then took us each back individually for our stories. When it was my turn and I was seated across from two detectives, they were questioning me about my relationship with my in-laws, specifically with my father-in-law, and then asked to see my phone. When they pulled up the text thread, it was to my horror that they found pictures I’d sent him over the years that were what I thought sweet memories to share with him. One in particular was from Christmas of 2008 and there he was dressed as Santa Claus with Faye and Ray III on his lap, Faye looking at him with the most solemn expression on her face, as if she knew who was under that costume. She’d revealed to the detectives it was around that age that she’d first remembered him violating her. I needed to throw up, I rocked in my seat, sweating, wanting to scream, starting to cry. One of the detectives said that he knew how I must be feeling, that he was a victim himself. It helped hearing that, knowing we weren’t alone, even though I’d never wish any of it on my worst enemy. Afterwards, I was able to compose myself and rejoin the girls.
The District Attorney assigned to our case was a woman who was very caring, but rumored to be a bulldog in the courtroom. We’d come to be on a first name basis with each other, she was compassionate and patient with us as everything proceeded. I was at my Aunt Jean’s house staying with Granny the morning of October 13th and got a phone call from the D.A. around 6:30A.M. I was still sleeping, when my phone rang. She said, “I’m sorry to wake you, but I wanted to let you know that they arrested your father-in-law this morning, bail was set at $500,000.00.” I was trying to process what she’d just told me, as she stated she just wanted to let me know. When we hung up it dawned on me… Today is October 13th, Denise’s birthday. Karma.
Romans 8:28 NIV And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
