Have you ever heard the saying that when we make plans, God laughs? That has never sat well with me, it comes off as He’s mocking us in some way, but our God is gracious and loving, He wants only good for us. I’d like to think that if our plans don’t coincide with His, He doesn’t laugh at us, but redirects us in the course He’d have us go, just as any parent does when their baby is doing something they shouldn’t. But I guarantee who is laughing at us and throwing obstacles at us at every turn, THE enemy. That dude is relentless, never wavering, sending his demons out to wreak havoc in the plans we’ve made, to stop us from growing closer to God, from having faith and hope, to fill us full of fear and doubt.
There I was, trucking right along. Checking my goals off the list on a regular basis, cultivating a rhythm that aligned with the plans I’d set for myself, one of which was posting once a week. However, after my last post I had a growing sense of dread beginning to attach itself to me. Knowing I’m nearing the end of the nightmare portion of this story. It felt weighty, like an actual presence following me around, which is scary because I believe it was an actual presence and not one from heaven. The devil saw me being faithful, sharing God’s word, my story that could help people relate and even grow closer to God and he was like, “Nah, I’m gonna have to shut this chic down.” My book club read this book years ago called “This Present Darkness” by Frank E. Peretti. If you look it up it’s described as a Christian novel of the suspense/horror/ and fantasy variety. If I’d looked it up and seen the horror part, I may not have ever read it, I’ve become quite a chicken after living through my own personal horrors. Puppies and rainbows for me thank you. Anyway, I did finish that book and it has stuck with me ever since. In it the main character can physically see angels and demons in a small-town setting. The demons attach themselves to people and he describes them as things like envy, lust, anger, etc. and the people they’re attached to behave according to the demons on their backs. The angels are all around, standing guard, fighting the demons off. You can probably see why this had a lasting impact on me. In my opinion books are always lifelike because our depiction that derived from our own imagination is what we see in our mind. So now that’s what I’m imagining is happening when I’m feeling a certain type of way. In this scenario it was guilt. A spirit or demon of debilitating guilt had rooted itself in my mind/ on my back. It was crushing and had me questioning everything I thought I knew about the direction this blog was going and whether I was trying to glorify God or myself. I went down a rabbit hole of despair, crying out to God for deliverance and clarity. When I could finally begin to breathe and put this feeling I was having into words, I was able to confide in CeeCee what I was experiencing. Just as she always does, she listened intently and then advised me to simply listen. Her daughter had given her a book about being obedient and listening for God’s direction and she said it was daunting but had given her some clarity for what it might look like to “hear” Him. It sounded so easy, but she assured me there would be a challenge in that, and she wasn’t wrong. As the mere humans that we are, we’re always creating roadblocks for ourselves, making things that probably should be simple or easy, so much harder because we think we’re so much smarter, more logical than we actually are. Is it my imagination or God telling me, “Hush child, I’m here. Shut up and listen!” Maybe He didn’t say “shut up”, but he did reiterate what I’d essentially known since I began this blog several years ago, “TELL YOUR STORY!” That night after CeeCee had imparted her wisdom on me, I went home and prayed for listening ears and discernment to know when it was Him speaking to me. The next day the verse of the day was one I was very familiar with, Ephesians 6:13 CSB. It says, “For this reason take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand.” I thought, “Okay, I hear you, moving in the right direction…” Still not 100% convinced, I told myself to keep listening. The next day the verse(s) of the day was Ephesians 6:14-15 CSB “Stand, therefore with truth like a belt around your waist, righteousness like armor on your chest, and your feet sandaled with readiness for the gospel of peace.” Lord, is that you? Then still the next day, Ephesians 6:16 CSB “In every situation take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” That one was followed up with an accompanying forward of the daily affirmation from the “Jesus Calling” book, that Austin sent me after he’d called me and heard the despair in my voice. Ironically, I’d bought him that book, but he was the one sharing it with me when I was the one needing encouragement this time.
There was no denying after that, there was affirmation everywhere. He is with me, that guilt/doubt demon on my back had no more power. So next the enemy countered that with a spirit of distraction and worry. My sweet little angel baby dog Dolly Wu had a horrific condition come upon her that consumed me with worry and fear for her life. This girl is my shadow, my sidekick. she goes everywhere with me, Walmart, the bathroom, all the boring errands, she’s literally excited to accompany me to any and all of them. She got an ulcer in her eye, but before we could see it, she was behaving as if something was killing her, and I was beside myself and consumed with caring for her and only her. Well played satan, but you’re not keeping me down and Dolly either! We’re finally seeing some progress in our sweet fur baby, and I’m getting back on track, fully suited up in my armor and continuing with what I set out to do, my mission! CeeCee and I have joked over the years that when satan was coming at us like this, we’d just tell him, “Nice try buddy,” and move forward.
As the State prepared their case in the year that followed, we tried our best to put the pieces of our lives back together, our new lives, there was no going back to the way it used to be and in many ways that was a good thing, but it would take time for us to come to that realization. During that time God was with us, but again, so was the enemy. I don’t know if any of the rest of the family were ever even given the whole story, and the words my father-in-law spoke to Ray about taking the whole family down with him, haunt us to this day. In a way, it did come full circle later though. We spent that year not just picking up the pieces, but again, looking over our shoulders every time we went anywhere, anticipating running into them. Waiting for a trial date to be set and dreading it at the same time. We got word from a cousin that she’d spoken with Ray’s mother who’d shared with her that he planned to commit suicide before anyone would have to see the courtroom, again him portraying himself as some version of a “hero” in keeping the girls from having to experience that nightmare. We told the D.A. what the cousin had told us, and she immediately reported it to the police, who then went to his house and questioned him, but he denied the seriousness behind that statement, played it off as a backhanded threat that he didn’t plan to follow through with and they left and never looked back. The following March, there we all were in the courthouse and our poor girls were put on the stand in a courtroom filled with people and them having to relive every gruesome detail of what their grandfather had done to them. Ray, Faye, Alex and I had been subpoenaed as well as his mother, but in this preliminary hearing, only Faye, Alex and my mother-in-law were forced to take the stand. My mother-in-law was first and testified under oath all that her husband had admitted to guilt to in ours and her presence. Next was Faye’s turn. We were forced to remain in a holding room outside of the courtroom because witnesses couldn’t hear another witness’s testimony before giving their own. When she came back, our sweet girl had been reduced to tears, but was shaking and visibly furious. She told us that at one point his attorney asked if he had anything to say and he replied, “Ask her if she wants her Papa to go to prison?” My soon to be sister-in-law Melissa who is an attorney herself and was representing our girls was present in the courtroom as well and said the Judge became enraged at those antics and had them stricken from the record, but nevertheless, the manipulation in that question had hit its mark with Faye and struck a nerve. Her tears weren’t for him going to prison, but instead for Alex, who was next in the line of fire. They tried a new tactic with her, to tear her character down, find fault in her for typical teenage behavior, as if that somehow justified all the ways in which he violated her. They missed the mark on this one though, Alex remained as stoic as ever throughout their questions, with the walls he’d forced her to build around herself to shield her from his abuse. As this went on, they’d sent my mother-in-law out of the room, and I doubt she ever even knew any of those things transpired. I believe that right up to the end, that man was methodical in keeping the rest of the family from knowing what he did to us all, staying true to his vow of “taking us all down with him.” During all of this, Ray paced the room we were in. There was a small window in the door, and he could see his mother sitting all alone on the other side, broken and despondent. Just as before back at their house, he couldn’t take seeing her like that and had to go to her. I had to use the restroom which was also outside that door and as I walked by, I saw the desperate way in which they clung to each other. My heart broke a little bit more because whether she acknowledged it or not, she was always just a pawn in his sick and twisted games too, never having a choice as she was married to him. But she did have a choice in remaining by his side when the truth came out. We’ll likely never know what went on behind closed doors, but as I said earlier, certainly manipulation played a huge part in that. On my way back from the restroom, Ray had rejoined our family in the other room, and I tried to speak to her. I told her that I’d meant every word I’d said that day at their house, that I loved her and that we were here for her. She either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me, so I rejoined the others in the next room. A short time later the bailiff came and excused us and one-by-one we filed out, Ray, myself, all five of our kids, my mom and stepdad, my sister, and CeeCee, all of us sick with anticipation about what we’d hear next. It didn’t go unnoticed to us that aside from Ray’s parents, not one member of his family was in attendance. We hadn’t even made it home before hearing from the D.A. who told us the trial had been set for September 26th. That seemed so far away, but I think after all we’d just experienced, we were actually thankful for that.
The next few months went by in a blur, life carried on and I started to see changes in our family, some positive, some not so much. Faye and Alex had begun to show signs of indignation and empowerment, the rest of us experienced some of that, but that old devil was really trying to use the damage already done, to tear us the rest of the way apart. Ray and I were volatile, on edge and arguing unnecessarily due to circumstances surrounding the entire ordeal. Time and again, his family used various tactics to rip apart the remnants of our marriage. He was trapped in the middle of empathy for his family outside of us, his wife and children. There was a particularly strained situation that had me questioning everything I knew about us at one point. Shortly before the trial was set to take place, Ray’s sister called him and asked him if he’d ask the girls to “drop the charges” if Papa paid each of them $50,000.00. Ray was distraught like she was, it was scary for them to think of what was coming for their father. Ray told her he’d ask the girls, and then proceeded to do just that. He told me about the conversation AFTER the fact. He was telling me everything said and how proud he was of the girls, as they’d both rejected the offer. I was and am proud too, but none of that was even remotely relevant. First, the girls weren’t the ones filing charges against him, IT WAS THE STATE, WE HAD ABSOLUTELY ZERO CONTROL OF ANY OF IT. Secondly, why would you even drag the victims through further trauma by presenting them, ADOLESCENTS, with that kind of money?! Third, did you even consider this was a last-ditch effort to discredit them by claiming they were just in it for the money?! I guarantee if they had said they’d take the money, we’d have been in court for the trial. I don’t think I’d ever been as enraged as I was in that moment. I had to walk away from him before I said or did something I couldn’t take back. There’s a reason that we should give ourselves time to process, to take a step back and look at a situation for what it is, I realized that after putting myself in Ray’s shoes. He was going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other and just getting by in this nightmare that was our lives. He didn’t even consider that his sister or father could be so devious in trying to throw these girls, their own flesh and blood under the bus. Once we’d calmed down and talked it all through, he admitted that to me. We clung to each other, each desperate to get one another and our children through this without further damage than we’d already been dealt.
That final week before the trial became considerably harder when we lost my uncle to a stroke. My mom and stepdad had recently moved out to our land and my mom relayed the news to me one evening. I went down to check on them and told my dad that we could have the funeral luncheon in our shop after the service that was going to be held on the Saturday before the trial that was scheduled for Monday. Ironically, I’d won tickets to a Trace Adkins concert at the state fair that Friday night. Ray and I were in desperate need of some downtime and went to the show. Saturday was busy from beginning to end with the funeral and everything that came with it. The next morning, I went to church for the worship portion and asked for prayer for our family for what was to come. Ray, Faye, Alex and I were to report to the D.A.’s office to go over our testimonies for the next day. It was a grueling experience that lasted several hours, leaving each of us exhausted and sick to our stomachs in anticipation for what the trial would bring. Everyone we knew was praying for us, I myself laid in bed praying continuously until sleep finally consumed me before I ever got to the “Amen”, unable to fathom what we would wake up to the next day.
Psalms 102:17 CSB “He will pay attention to the prayer of the destitute and will not despise their prayer.”
