Isn’t it “funny” how we can learn something, be determined to know it, vow to use it, and then turn right around and throw it out the window when any obstacle gets in the way? In my last post I was on cloud nine, I’d stated that pending seasons of unrest wouldn’t steal my tranquility, and then directly after that, I let that exact thing happen. It was if I’d waved the red flag in the bull/enemy’s face, and he came back with, “Oh yeah, watch this!” I’m regretful to admit that he won that round, but only for a time. I’d like to say a short time, but in truth it felt like eternity. I was once again doubting myself, wondering was it God granting me the discernment that I’d been praying for? Or was it the devil attacking me as I was putting myself out here as God’s servant, and he was telling me it was all a lie, that I was doing it for myself. Even writing those words I feel foolish, clearly seeing now the accuracy in which he tears us down when he’s able to find even a hairline fracture in our armor. I’ve said it before, the dude is relentless and will keep on coming for us if we’re trying to live as disciples and shining our lights for good. If you find yourself under attack, you’re probably on the right track! I’ve decided to add the word “prudent” to the list of qualities I hope to symbolize. *The term “prudent” refers to the quality of being careful and sensible, especially when it comes to making decisions and taking actions. It involves considering potential risks and consequences before proceeding. A prudent person is typically wise, judicious, and exercises good judgment to avoid unnecessary risks and ensure a favorable outcome. In essence, prudence is about being cautious and using foresight to make well-thought-out decisions. * As a parent I feel like that’s probably in a nutshell the kind of example we’d all like to set for our children, but if you’ve read any of my prior posts, you know I’ve already failed miserably at most of the things that make up a prudent person. The thing is, just because I’ve failed previously, I’m not stuck there. (Thank God!) It’s a new day, a new beginning, and I’m choosing to do and be a better version of myself. I pulled out my copy of “The Power to Change” by Craig Groeschel again to research the content I wanted to write about today and of course it was spot on when I opened it to a random page, there was exactly what I was looking for without even having an idea of what “it” was when I opened it the book! Page 197 Part 5 titled “I Can’t”. Well, if that ain’t fitting was my first thought, then immediately knew this would be what I needed to hear again. The story he began to tell surprised me for the second time as I reread it, and then felt just like Craig to realize that I related to this poor woman as well. STUCK.
Imagine feeling so stuck that you literally couldn’t move from where you were sitting. On a toilet? I don’t think it matters, a toilet, a relationship, a situation, whatever it is, it can happen to any of us without hope, or purpose/promise, without GOD. What actually makes us feel driven? Even the most successful people surely have bad days, right? Without hope, it doesn’t matter who you are, how much money you have, how famous you are, you’ll eventually find your life lacking. The void/hole that’s left is the absence of THE ONE, the actual source of hope. As I’ve previously declared, when I’ve been at the lowest of low points, HE found me there, picked me up, and set me back on track, time and again. Was it easy? Nah, almost never. But He gives us each our own set of gifts, blessings to right our wrongs, whatever started us on our spiral and He turns them into hope once again. His promises say He’ll do that for us if we let Him, but while we’re here on Earth breathing this air down here, there’s also the enemy trying to drag us back down in the constant battle of this thing called life. On page 199, there’s an excerpt from the book of Romans 7:15-24.
15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. 19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
This is from one of Paul’s letters to the Romans. He’s frustrated with himself because he feels stuck while trying to change and live right for God. It’s both comforting AND disheartening to me, because it’s a struggle known by all of us from the beginning of time, but one that we’ll likely battle our entire lives. This is where hope comes back into play, without it, we’re just stuck.
Yesterday I woke up feeling unsettled and anxious, in the throes of the attack from the enemy I mentioned previously. It was Sunday morning, and I had a desperate need to get my butt to church, but not much motivation to get myself there if that makes sense? I was all out of sorts and questioning my existence and decided I’d better get on my face if I was going to get out of here alive. That’s what I call it when I’m praying my most serious and desperate prayers, “getting on my face”. Our church has recently moved into a new location that we’ve been praying for, for many years. It’s been so inspirational to see it all coming to fruition and a reminder that God does and will provide. His timing is a perfect plan, and also can be confounding when we find ourselves expecting something to happen within a certain time period. Proverbs 19:21 AMP says that “Many plans are in a man’s mind, but it is the Lord’s purpose for him that will stand (be carried out).” He also declares in Isaiah 55:8 NIV, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways”, and in Proverbs 3:5 CSB, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding;”. This takes me back to high school… “Class give me a synopsis of today’s lesson”. A.) We can make plans, but God’s the one in control. B.) He’s gonna do it how He wants to, not how we want Him to. C.) Don’t even try to understand it, just trust He’s got you. For sure the exact reason it’s so hard for me to follow these very simple instructions, is because it’s hard to admit that maybe whatever it is I’m wanting or trying to do, isn’t how it’s supposed to go? Does this sound familiar to anyone else or is it just me?! Once I’d finally come full circle with this and picked myself up off of my face yesterday, I set out for church. And wouldn’t you know it, during break, and old friend approached me and told me he’d been reading my blog and that he was really enjoying it and that I should “keep up the good work!” That’s when I got the clarity I’d been seeking. I’d let the devil scramble my brain yet again (*SIGH), preventing me from my goal to get out here and be a light. Some days it’s a little brighter than others, but I’m determined to not let myself become “stuck”!
For the last few months after the loss of my beloved Granny, I’ve had plenty of insights as to how things came to be in her life and my own, and the comparisons in both. She was an instrumental part in my upbringing being that my parents were so young when they had me, and I was their first child and the first grandchild. By then she’d raised three kids and could handle it in her sleep, I’m sure. She was very intuitive, but in retrospect I don’t even know if she realized that about herself. She knew things instinctively as a mother does, and usually had advice, a remedy, comfort, or a hug, and if she didn’t know, she’d help to find an answer. She was a huge influence on the woman/mother I always dreamed of being, and when I fell so far short of that, she loved me anyway, much like my Heavenly Father. Ten years ago, we realized that we had a short window in time that my son, my sister, my mom, Granny and myself each represented a decade in time. I had an idea that I wanted to document it by making posterboard numbers for each of us to hold in a picture. It seemed so cool at the time, and it was in all actuality, but this past weekend we came back to that short window an entire decade later and realized we had to recreate it before my birthday rolls around later this week. It didn’t hit the same this time though. Even though it’s still pretty cool that we share this fun bond, we lost one of us, and her absence was overwhelmingly apparent. She is so very missed every single day, but also undoubtedly with my Papa and Jesus, without pain, “Oh my back”, she’d say, and all of her loved ones before her. When she was leaving us behind, she gave us a small glimpse of Heaven, when she told us that what she was seeing was “so, so, pretty”…. I’ll say it again, if you’ve ever doubted that Heaven is real, hang out with someone who’s actively dying.
Austin joked after the first picture that “the ladies pants got longer, the older they were.” We laughed and laughed at that observation, and in the newer version my mom and sister and I had a real hoot over our legs and the way we stand. Even in times of what sometimes feel like suffocating grief there is joy to be had. Joy is always present if you have the promise/HOPE of knowing where you’re going when you leave here, and for who might be waiting for you on the other side. Troubles will come, but when you have faith, joy, peace and love will follow. I know Granny isn’t 89 in Heaven, she’s the best version of herself, whatever that looks like to God and I’m so happy for her, while I’m missing her down here. The examples she set, loving the Lord and family, being a good person/friend, shining God’s light, all the things we’re all called to do, I couldn’t be more thankful for. Things she instilled in us, that we’ll continue to pass down to the future generations of our family, some the greatest gifts God bestowed on us. Walking, talking reasons to not become complacent, “stuck” where we’re at, but instead, PRUDENT SERVANTS for HIM.
It can become exhausting which can also feel like a good reason to stop trying, sometimes it feels a lot like I’m beating my head against the wall. I’ve been through different, albeit similar situations with each of my kids, and somehow feel surprised if they don’t react the way I think they should, or different than their siblings before them. In my head I eventually have an AHA! moment and think, well I bet this is exactly what God thinks of me each time I’m doubting Him or taking “control” of the narrative. When we’re in the mindset of “I can’t” or “I’m stuck”, we’re essentially saying that we don’t believe that God can get us through whatever has us feeling that way. And that my friends is when the enemy can check us off his to-do list. Nice try buddy, I’m not going down that easily (*me as I grab onto the chair, then the desk in an effort to drag myself upright) … There is peace in knowing who’s in control, peace that can ONLY come from Him. Grab hold of it!
