“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” -Anaïs Nin
There have been more than one occasions recently when I was asked who I am. In the past that question baffled me, it was as if I could never quite put my finger on it, the answer was just out of my reach. I’ve been a late bloomer my whole life, always trepidatious to make the first move, kind of a follower, but always pretending to be a leader. I was pretty good at hiding my fear behind a sassy attitude but didn’t discover that about myself until I was in my mid-to-late high school experience, which makes me a little sad for young Melissa. I wish older me had been there to stand up for her, especially one day in 7th grade in the locker room before gym class. We were all changing into our gym clothes, and I was standing with my back to the room with my 80 lb. self. I had just taken off my shirt and was furiously scrambling into my gym t-shirt when I heard some snickering from behind me. A girl who was what seemed like three heads taller than me and fully developed into a woman, was mocking me and my child like physique. She pointed out to the entire crowd that I didn’t have on a bra, but in my mind, I was wondering, “Do I need one?” I looked down at my naked torso and nope still nothing there. As my cheeks burned red, I slipped into my shirt and scurried out to find my place in the lineup. Much to my chagrin it would be over the course of the next couple of years before I caught up with the rest, and now all I can think is how I wish I could go back and reassure that sweet, sheltered version of me not to rush, it was all on a train rushing at her full speed ahead. I guess all of life can be that way to some degree; most of us will probably always wish we could go back and right the wrongs, encourage ourselves to keep going, to be strong and courageous even if we didn’t feel like it. The good news is that we aren’t stuck there, this isn’t Groundhog Day, and we aren’t Bill Murray, thank goodness! There are a few days I could live over and over again, but only if I could choose which ones!
Speaking of Bill Murray and varmints… Anyone else battle gophers non-stop?! For me, there aren’t many things as satisfying as getting off of my zero turn with a freshly mowed pasture stretched out before me, but then low and behold there are three new gopher holes that have “popped up” since I began. I’ve often felt like Murray in Caddyshack, trying every method available to get rid of the pesky pests, and every time I think I’ve got ’em licked, they’re back again. Sometimes life hits like that, things are smooth like the pasture and then oops, the next gopher mound is before you. Earlier today as I rifled through materials I keep on hand in my bookshelf and various other piles in nooks and crannies I’ve created for myself here and there, I found copies of a bible study workbook that I did with my kids during the beginning of the Covid pandemic. Here I was thinking I was doing something productive with them, teaching them aspects of the Bible that they may not have known or understood, and feeling pretty proud of myself for taking that initiative. But while flipping through them, I found some disheartening notes in them that made me realize maybe I should’ve been more focused on their perspective of what was happening in those moments/days, and how they were perceiving it and where God was in all of it, because clearly that would’ve been much more of a moral booster for them and maybe would’ve helped them want to dig deeper into the study. Huge gopher mound on my part. *Sigh… retrospect. I can look back on where we were in life then, on the things that hadn’t been uncovered yet, and see explicitly how they would have had the feelings they were struggling with during that period. After uncovering that upsetting realization, I put the workbook back on the shelf and looked for inspiration elsewhere. I saw a post on Instagram of Joyce Meyer talking about our attitude determining the quality of our lives and it took me right back to the workbook I had just tried to bury. It occurred to me that our attitudes back then were largely due to the circumstances in those days, being quarantined in our home, left with our thoughts and a crowd of miserable teens who felt as if they were being held hostage. In the video she said that a good attitude equals an enjoyable life, but not necessarily one that will be trouble free. We can still have troubles, but that doesn’t have to steal our joy. I know this to be accurate because I’ve experienced it myself. I’ve also been to a conference where Joyce was speaking, and she talked about the hardships she’d experienced in life. Hardships that were very relatable to the ones me and my family have suffered like sexual abuse and feelings of unworthiness. Now here is this woman who went through unimaginable tribulations, and she’s turning them into triumphs as an exceedingly successful evangelist, and a HUGE inspiration to not only me, but millions of others. If that’s not encouraging, I don’t know what is! Perspective is everything. She also said in that same message not to blame God for our problems, which went hand in hand with everything I was saying about the circumstances of any given season of our lives. She said she believes that millions of people have come to faith through seeing others be blessed through their hardships and trials. I’ve said this before, God isn’t the one creating our hardships and trials, but He can turn them into blessings, into beauty. What the enemy meant to be our demise, God can turn around and use for good.
For the most part I’m a glass half full kind of gal, but I’m married to my polar opposite. You might wonder how that works, and I won’t lie and say it’s always easy, but I will say that we balance each other pretty well. I’m the dreamer, he’s the realist. Basically, he turns my dreams into reality with hard work, and sometimes blood, sweat and tears. In turn I’ve done my best to hold up my end of the bargain running our household, raising his children and being the best wife I could, and still there were times both of us failed dismally. Have we fought? Yes. Have we quit? No. Close, but no. If we hadn’t sought to see it from each other’s perspective we might’ve, and the blessings we’d have missed out on are innumerable. When in doubt (sometimes about my entire existence), trust God. If we’d given in and taken the deceivingly “easy” way out, we may have been divorced when the truth came out about the abuse handed down by his father, and where would that had left any of us? I dare say more broken than we were together. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know it wasn’t easy for us together either, but the thought of trying to get through all of that without him by my side to defend his kids and me makes me shudder. It could’ve/would’ve been so much scarier if I’d have had to navigate those waters alone, even while knowing God was there. But thankfully HE knew we needed each other. Our Heavenly Father is so good like that, knowing that we need physical people in life to hold us when we aren’t able to receive the love felt in His supernatural embrace. And moreover, people to help each other get through all the traumas life can throw at us. The key to all of it of course is keeping HIM in the center of it. I saw a reel talking about keeping God first above everyone and everything else, and while I know that is absolutely what we’re supposed to do, I was humbled recently to realize that I’m somewhat guilty of loving my kids so much that it might be misinterpreted as if they were the most important thing in my life. My daughter even mentioned the other day that our living room looks like a bit of a shrine to my children. I’ll admit that I love them so hard there’s sometimes a literal, physical pain that I can conjure up if I let myself go there, but I also know without a doubt that they were always God’s children first and He lent each of them to me to care for and raise up to love Him. That’s always what puts His love for me in perspective. The Bible talks about the depth of God’s love for the world in John 3:16…
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (NIV)
There isn’t anyone I would be willing to sacrifice one of my children for, but God did that for me, for you, for the drunk passed out in the alley, the addict who abandoned their child, for the good, the bad and indifferent. He did it so we all could be redeemed, made righteous in His Kingdom.
The other day I was on the phone with Carly, and we were talking about the insignificance of us and everyone/everything around us. She’d just gotten back from vacation and was trying to describe the sheer majesty in the Redwoods to me, how she’d stood next to them and felt as if she were nothing standing there amongst trees that had been there since Jesus had walked the Earth and I could hear the awe of it in her voice. Ironically, I had come to the same conclusion just sitting by my pond, how could He give me something so great to call “mine”, and yet how is it I still have the audacity to want more? And here He is continuing to answer those prayers, spoiling His child despite the fact that I don’t deserve it, the same way I’d love to lavishly spoil these kids he’s shared with me. That’s how much He loves me, more than I love my kids, my husband, anyone. PERSPECTIVE. That’s WHY we should strive to keep Him in the center of every relationship, above all else. Our goal in this life isn’t material things or to live forever here on earth, it’s our salvation, eternity in Heaven. Insert two of my very favorite Bible verses here…
1 Peter 1:8-9 from the Christian Standard Bible (CSB):
“Though you have not seen him, you love him; though not seeing him now, you believe in him, and you rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, because you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
And that should be the goal for us pertaining to our loved ones as well, to help them get there!
One day last week I was having breakfast with someone who is on the fast track to becoming someone I hold very dear, and he said to me that he is an “infant” in his faith. I smiled knowingly while also feeling as if I’ve barely scratched the surface myself. Later while thinking back on that conversation, I remembered a Maundy Thursday service we had a church several years back. (As a non-denominational church, we’ve formed our own traditions that we’ve adopted from other church’s practices, the Lentin season being one of them.)
*Maundy Thursday, also known as Holy Thursday, is a Christian observance that falls on the Thursday before Easter. It commemorates the Last Supper of Jesus Christ with his disciples, as described in the New Testament. The word “Maundy” is derived from the Latin word “mandatum,” meaning “commandment,” referring to Jesus’ commandment to his disciples to love one another as he loved them (John 13:34).*
As we went around the room reflecting on the things we’d learned and/or experienced during Lent and contemplating the depth of the next day, Good Friday,
*Good Friday is a Christian holiday observed during Holy Week on the Friday before Easter Sunday. It commemorates the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and his death at Calvary. Good Friday is a day of mourning, reflection, and prayer for Christians, recognizing the suffering and sacrifice of Jesus.*
and the meaning behind it, I shared something about coming to the realization that my greatest job as a parent was to get my kids to Heaven. It wasn’t something I had planned to say, just more of a reflection of whatever it was that I’d experienced through my Lent journey that year, but later CeeCee told me it felt really profound and yet so simple to her. My younger kids were at that service with us, and I remember our youngest son following what I’d said up with something rather profound of his own for a five-year-old or close to that age anyway, and I felt so proud, as if that solidified everything I was trying to do by raising them in church. If only it were that easy. Instead, I’m just trusting that God will keep them close, even if they try to push back.
Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)
“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
The reassurances to be gleaned from studying The Word are what helps me sleep at night. This world we’re living in isn’t the same as the one I grew up in, in fact it’s become what my generation’s childhood nightmares were made of. Without faith, the fear would overwhelm some of the toughest of us. Fear is THE F-word, the ultimate tool used by the enemy to take us out. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, all fear is from the devil. Make your new F-word Faith, let it be your shield, your armor, your hope. Fight back against the schemes of the devil, our enemy. Fight for each other, not with each other. I read this quote from Phil Robertson the other day and felt so inspired by it.
1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
