#34. Freedom

I don’t know where my time goes. I do my best to be intentional with it, but ultimately end up feeling like I’m struggling to keep up with myself. How is that even possible? I have a lengthy list of chores that I have to complete daily, all of my own choosing, but work, nonetheless. It starts in the house with my indoor animals and other various normal tasks that we all face in life, then I make my way to the barn, and then move on to the maintenance of watering the flowerbeds, garden, and then all of the rest of the property we’re trying to keep alive in this Oklahoma heat. Sometimes, just as anything that’s worth having can be, it can feel overwhelming, but it’s a labor of love and so worth it at the end of most days. Then there are times when I question the choices that got me here, like a couple of mornings ago when I encountered my fifth snake this summer. I was in the barn doing my routine feedings and got to the chicken coop; stretched out along the laying boxes was about a 3-foot-long rat snake, and literally all of my chickens were standing there with it. Not one of them seemed to have a care in the world. I’ve seen all kinds of reels and social media posts talking about how people’s chickens will kill a snake that gets into their territory, but not mine. They were hanging out with the thing while it was making its move toward the eggs in the box closest to my broody hen who was sitting on the rest of the eggs; she too seemed as if she could care less. I usually don’t mess with snakes, just let them go about their business, but not when they’re trying to steal my eggs. I found a metal pipe and tried to jab him with it, but he made an escape. I asked the chickens what they were thinking, but no one had any answers for me. This got me thinking about the devil. That’s how sneaky he is, we can just be hanging out with our peeps (pun intended), and the next thing you know, ol’boy done snuck in and pulled up a seat next to ya, a literal snake. This also had me thinking about God and how He is probably looking at us, shaking His head and thinking just like I was, “What are y’all doing?!” I keep asking myself that question lately, still not real sure what the answer is. How is it so easy to see the answer to another’s problems, but still be sitting here looking like a dumb chicken when it comes to our own?

I have someone in my life who is just like family to me, but not by blood. I’ve known him for the majority of our lives and had a pretty up-close view to a lot of the things he’s been through, and things I didn’t know, he has shared in daily devotional type text messages. I’ve mentioned him in a previous post about an experience I had in the middle of the night years ago when he was in prison and God used me to pray for him without any real reason that I knew of, but there was a sense of urgency, nevertheless. It turned out he needed those prayers that night and they were answered along with many more since then. He’s a recovering addict and has quickly become one of those most profound people I know. His willingness and insight have become such an inspiration and help to all of us who are blessed enough to be recipients of his messages, and he’s agreed to let me share his content which I know will be a blessing to everyone who reads it! Below is one of his recent messages that I believe is super relatable no matter who you are or what your lot in life may be…. It’s simply human nature to have these kinds of thoughts.

Good Afternoon Errbody…

So often we speak about rebuilding through trauma and what that looks like… I rarely hear people speak about being able to receive and sustain the blessings that come afterwards…???… The process of rewiring of our brain so that whenever good things do happen we don’t live in fear of losing them, or feeling unworthy of the blessings God deemed us worthy of… It’s a real thing Brah…

I lived a selfish existence disguised as a victim of circumstances for many years… I was a liar, cheater, thief, thug, manipulator, etc… Although I’ve now worked through all these things they are still not forgotten…My brain reminds me of them all to often… That in and of itself makes it difficult to believe my blessings aren’t a fluke…???… As if God misplaced something He intended for someone else…???…. Lol… Sounds crazy but, it’s a real thing…

Spoiler alert… Good things happen to s#!%heads, amazing people do exist, most things aren’t too good to be true, and if God starts showering you with blessings, just be grateful… That’s it, period… Focus on the positive and that’s what you find, focus on the negative and we get left behind… Enjoy it, believe it, and thank God for all He’s brought you through, also know that through Him blessings are sustainable…

Love Y’all… God Bless…

I bet you can guess why this resonated with me if you’ve read my story thus far. Rebuilding through trauma can be as hard as getting through the trauma itself in my opinion. Letting yourself believe that God is for you after you’ve walked through hell has been hard for me, and I consider myself a “seasoned” believer at this point in my life. Helping my family through and trying to convince them that He is with us, hasn’t been an easy feat, and it’s honestly still something we struggle with sometimes. There are times when I wonder if we’ll ever get all the way through this nightmare, and then I have to remind myself that if we do, it’ll probably take longer than just a mere couple of years down the road to get us there. Sometimes the anger and bitterness can become so palpable, it’s as if they’re living beings sitting right there in the room with us. It’s not always that way thank the Lord, and those days are less and less all the time. But when I’m feeling overwhelmed by them, it seems impossible to assure anyone else that it’s possible to be completely healed from it. That’s usually when I become overwhelmed with worry. But the worry doesn’t stop there, now that I recognize the importance of my time here and the mission I’ve found in sharing my story and insight with anyone I can. I can work myself into a real panic in thinking that if I don’t convince my kids, my husband, that friend, or even a complete stranger, they somehow might miss out on Heaven? As if the way there is through me, not Jesus?! Funny how the enemy can take a fear like that and make it work in his favor, making me think I’m somehow so in touch with God that I could be responsible for getting someone else past the gates? I haven’t even made it through yet! I spend a lot of my time looking for inspiration anywhere it might come from. The other day I saw a video of a sermon Joyce Meyer was giving and in it she said that we should try to live with a trusting attitude, that when we start to worry, we should say “God, I trust you”, even if we need to say it 100 times to get through the day. Honestly, I feel like I have said it about 500 times since watching that video, and she’s right, it helps! Each time I’ve begun to feel overwhelmed by worry about any and everything, I’ve said those words, and the freedom that comes with trusting Him is incomparable. It removes all the what ifs from the equation.

Romans 8:31(NIV):

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

As Independence Day approaches, along with the impending presidential election, it is sobering to be an American in today’s age. With so much speculation about everything from who’ll be our next president, to the end of the world and all the things in between, it’s as if the whole planet has lost their minds. It blows my mind to see how certain people or groups think that they somehow know how and when things will go. Personally, I’m confident that I’m on the winning team of the end game, but I’ll never claim to know when that time will come, no matter how things unfold. The Bible states clearly..

Matthew 24:36. (NIV):

“But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”

The mystery behind that alone could be enough to send me into panic mode, worrying about all my people and basically everyone I know getting to God before it’s too late. Thankfully I know Joyce’s secret, and now so do you. There’s so much hate and division, it’s glaringly apparent that the devil has gained the upper hand, for now anyway. Now more than ever before we need to be able to say out loud, “I TRUST YOU LORD.” One thing is for sure, how blessed we are to have the freedom to be able to say those words. So, this week when you’re celebrating your freedom to do whatever that looks like to you, have a hotdog, a beer, blow up all the fireworks, pray to God, or to live in a country where we’re all free to choose, remember that the differences that make up our country, are the very reasons people are literally dying to get in here. Whatever that looks like for each of us, one thing remains true… America may be the “land of the free”, that can be interpreted in so many ways. However, as humans, not just our country, but the entire world wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in, if we loved each other despite our differences, just as we’ve been called to do. If you disagree with someone you can still love them. Believe me, I don’t have to look far for someone to disagree with (ahem, my husband), but I still love him very much. How exhausting it can be to judge people for their behavior or beliefs, etc. I can’t imagine the burden actual judges carry in their line of work. I sat on a jury once and I’m here to tell you, it was crazy from start to finish. The crime we were there for was somehow entertaining, but also brutal. The victim in the case was actually hilarious, he came to court in a powder blue 1970’s style tuxedo, complete with the ruffled shirt and matching bow tie, white patent shoes and a Don King style hairdo. The defendant and victim had once been friends, until a fateful night when they had an altercation over a poker game and the victim was left permanently impaired; we jury members had to decide how much of the defendant’s life would be spent behind bars for his egregious behavior. It was hard to make a decision based on fact alone after hearing the comically animated version of the story that was given by the victim, but also just the thought of someone’s actual time out of their life to be left for us to decide seemed unthinkable. It maybe would’ve been easier without the theatrics and nothing but hard evidence, but all these years later I still wonder about those two and how their lives could’ve looked different without that pivotal night and the circumstances that surrounded it. I cannot fathom having to make decisions like that multiple times a day/week/year. There’s freedom in that too, there’s only One. One. True. Judge. Just like He knows when all this earthly, fleshy, craziness will come to an end; He also knew that we’d have to first get through all of this stuff to get there. I’m so thankful for His infinite wisdom and the freedom it provides. Thank you, Lord, for your goodness, your faithfulness, your grace, your mercy, for the freedom in loving You.