#35. I’m Messed Up

I’ve been given the gift of gab. I truly believe it’s a gift, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve been squandering it for over a YEAR. At least when it comes to my blog, which is what motivated me to realize my dream of being a writer in the first place. I had a couple of drafts saved, and they were probably okay, but I’m not settling for okay. A LOT of life has happened in this last year. One day, while scrolling through the notes on my phone, looking for something of importance, I stumbled onto a list I had forgotten I’d made for myself. It was a list of goals that I’d written on New Year’s Day 2024 because, historically speaking, New Year’s resolutions just didn’t tend to stick for me. To my astonishment, I was actually able to check ALL of them off. I’d written more, I read the Bible in its entirety, I’d lost some weight, I’d ridden some horses, all of these were just for me, it was part of my “figuring out who Melissa is phase,” and I was owning it. Then, in August of 2024, my daughter got engaged, and everything on my to-do list was no longer significant. Suddenly, my new list was centered around beautifying our property for the upcoming events. In hindsight, that was always on the list, but it looked like a lot of hard work compared to my other list. The end result was, a beautiful engagement party, a stunning wedding, and a wonderful new son in the family. My goals shifted a bit after that, I still loved all the other stuff and am slowly getting back to it all, but being back here, writing about my faith is at the top of my priority list once again.

I got so far behind that I had to re-read my last post to see where I was back then, but lo and behold, it could’ve easily been today. That’s 15 months of this derisive world chipping away at us if we let it. Here’s a secret that I don’t tell everyone: I turned off the news. Unpopular? Probably. Naive? Maybe. But here’s my opinion, and you can take it for what it’s worth. No matter what is going on in this world, me sitting glued to the news and worrying myself literally sick isn’t going to change one thing. In fact, I’ll go one step further and say that when you do that, “they”‘ve got you right where they want you. And you know what else? It takes our focus off of who’s really in control. You guessed it: GOD. He said this would happen, and here we are, falling for the traps the enemy lays out for us. Okay, not so fast… just because I’m not watching the news, doesn’t mean I’m completely clueless. This world is way too high-tech for that and there are plenty of avenues to keep us inundated with the madness that has been swallowing us up one gulp at a time. Just like my “to-do” list, we can also choose what we’re going to let into our minds and decide how much time we’re going to allow these things to affect our general perspective on life and every day we spend here. Not to minimize the tragedies and injustices that occur daily, hourly, and those who are forever broken by them. I can relate to those things, probably most of us can in our own ways. However, if we cling to them, and are only willing to let go if they’re made “right”, we will likely remain stagnant, because our “right” is probably different than our neighbor’s, and therein lies the problem. You cannot grow or learn anything if you can’t see things from the other guy’s perspective. Yesterday I finished this book about life in the 1100s, which was largely in part about life in a monastery. I’ll say right now that, second to the Bible itself, it’s the hardest book I’ve ever read. And then I’ll say, I learned a lot from it. I asked ChatGPT to describe a monk’s mission in life because I wanted to make sure I described it accurately and here is what it said:

✝️ In Christianity

A Christian monk’s mission is to:

*Serve God wholly, through prayer, contemplation, and community life.

*Take vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience.

*Live out the Gospel values—love, humility, and service.

Emphasis on humility. The book I read says that the sixth step of humility is reached when a monk is content with all that is mean and vile, and the seventh step is reached when a man not only confesses with his tongue that he is lowly and inferior to others, but in his inmost heart believes so. If you’ve even read this far, kudos to you right now, because I thought it sounded ridiculously crazy too! Turns out, we’re not cut out to be monks! No, we’re a fickle bunch, and all have our own opinions on how those who’ve done wrong should be dealt with. Personally, I was raised to not take crap off of anyone, to never back down, to never throw the first punch, but always throw the last. Personally, I’m also the one who has taken crap off of some people, I’ve backed down, I’ve received the final punch instead of giving it, and guess what? I learned from it. The things that have been done to me and the way I’ve handled them have ultimately made me who I am today. Although my opinions still can be loud and misunderstood, they come from a place of understanding that every single person on this planet more than likely has a reason for their opinion, too. Does that make them right? Sometimes. Does it make me right? ALWAYS. Okay, I’m kidding, I kid! This is the good part, though, the part that as Christians we all have to remember: Jesus WAS right. ALL OF THE TIME. But he didn’t scream that at them when they were nailing him to a cross. He didn’t get in their faces, spitting and shouting about the injustice of it all. No, instead, He hung there and suffered, not just for monks or perfect people who’ve never sinned. No, He did it for sinners, He did it for you, He did it for me, He did it for Charlie Kirk and his family, He did it for Republicans, He did it for Democrats. Skin color wasn’t a factor, nor was the amount of money you have or how good you are or aren’t. He just did it for us all anyway. If you don’t know Him yet, you should. I heard someone speaking publicly recently saying that we all know it’s the end of the world, and I had to hold my tongue to keep from hollerin’ out my argument that actual biblical scripture says otherwise.

Matthew 24:36 (NIV)
“But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”

Mark 13:32 (NIV) – “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”

Acts 1:7 (NIV) – “He said to them: ‘It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.’”

This is why I had to turn off the news. Not to live in denial, but to instead live by The Word. I’m choosing not to be fearmongered for the days I’m given here. Not to live in ignorance, but in trusting God. The truth is that we could all probably benefit from living in a monastery for a while.

As an American myself, a proud one at that, I feel like we have a front row seat to doomsday mentality. Our daughter, that was recently married, met her husband while on a mission trip to Ireland. He was born and bred an Irishman and is just a lovely human overall, and now my daughter is an Irish citizen, living with him 4,000 miles away. One day recently, I found myself drowning in fear. I’d had way too much exposure to media that day; it happens sometimes, sitting in waiting rooms, salons, work, while visiting people, etc. When I catch myself feeling that way, I like to get outside and breathe some fresh air. As I walked our property, I was doomsday prepping in my head and fretting about my daughter and son-in-law being so far away from us, and then realized she was actually probably the safest one in our family. That was a relieving but sobering thought. I then started to think about all the wonderful people in our son-in-law’s family who had come from all over to celebrate the wedding with us. Their wedding was so special and instrumental in showing everyone there how we are all just people, no matter where we call home. There were not only Americans from many different states, Oklahomans, Texans, people from Colorado, New York, Californians, and lots more, there were Irish men, there were Australians, and there was love. Love so big it was palpable, and as I thought about that, I came right back to where I’d been drowning only a moment before. and I remembered, I’m not afraid. Death is imminent, no matter who or where you are. If we can lay down the fear of death and remember that where we’re going is the end of struggling, suffering, hate, sickness, war, and all the other things that fuel the F-word (FEAR), if we can do that, well, we’ve achieved the goal of our faith, of our salvation.

Last Sunday, I sat in the front row of the church I’ve attended for the last 18 years and listened to my Pastor talking about how God uses messed-up people and people who mess up to share His love. It’s me, I’m messed-up people! He then reminded us of the prayers we’ve prayed over our church throughout the years. Prayers for our own building, a venue where we could host weddings, funerals, church lunches, and anything else we may need, and as he talked, it was staring us all in the face. We were sitting in the very place we’d been praying for. Slowly, but surely, God provided a place, and then the finances, and then the generosity of able-bodied people to create the space we needed. As I look around my life, it’s the same. I’m currently sitting in a place I’ve prayed for, a place I’ve dreamed of, our home on a piece of land, a loving husband, lots of kids, our health, an amazing extended family, lots of great friends, honestly too much to even list! God hears us, He’s with us, waiting for us to ask and knowing what we need before we do. Sometimes that means waiting 18 years for you to see what He was doing, sometimes it might mean longer, or maybe you won’t see it until you’ve realized He was actually protecting you from whatever you thought you needed. Garth Brooks sang a song about it, Unanswered Prayers, AMEN bro.

I say all of this to say, turn off the news, pray, read a book, love your people, put yourself in the other guy’s shoes, tell someone about Jesus. When you tell someone about the love and grace of Jesus, you are impacting eternity.