I’ve been obsessively watching Netflix for the last few weeks. Things have been difficult and crazy, and it’s been an easy escape from all of that. I binged “Jane the Virgin” throughout that time and let me just say that it’s CHEESY, but feel-good, chick flick-ish, hysterical, dramatic, and worth your time. Actually, I’ve been a bit inspired by it, as “Jane’s” character is a writer. You should check it out if you’re looking to “check out”!!
Now back to my story….
Three years flew by, literally, it seemed. As I reflect back, it seems like a lifetime ago, but also so recent that I can feel my cheeks flaming from the shame that the enemy tries to rekindle every chance he gets….
Lee and I had moved from our trailer into a little cinder block two-bedroom house that we rented from his dad, whom Lee was also still working for on the road. I was working at TGIFriday’s and Austin was in daycare. It was a struggle a lot of the time, but I still have plenty of fond memories looking back. Sue was with me constantly, she was dating one of Lee’s best friends and he was on the road with Lee working as well. We hung out most nights, laughing, talking, just surviving. We thought we knew it all back then, when in fact we knew almost nothing. But again… some great memories and we had to start somewhere. The world was so different then, in good and hard ways. Our little house was right in the center of town with window unit air conditioning & fans to keep it tolerable in the summer. We slept with the windows open, some without screens. One night when Sue was sleeping over, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream with her right next to me in the bed. We had the room arranged with the bed pushed up against the wall right next to the window. Once we got our wits about us she was laughing hysterically and exclaimed that she felt something licking her foot, which was odd because our dog was on the road with Lee. There was also a streetlight outside the window and we were able to see a huge dog had it’s head stuck through looking at us with his tongue flopping to the side! It took us forever to calm down and get our laughter under control, those are the things that keep her memory so alive for me, that laugh, those moments…. That would be unheard of these days, sleeping with the windows open without a second thought, but again, another time… We were right next to the railroad tracks and you could hear it coming every night around 11:00. Funny the things that a person gets used to and then finds comfort in throughout life. I can still hear that train coming through to this day, from a different house on a different side of town, with a different man by my side and now five kids, and it always makes my heart smile when I do. It takes me back to those days, the days I shared with Sue, the days that were cut short way too soon.
I got pregnant for the second time in that little house. I thought we were finally going to be a real family now. That was cut short when Lee accused me of cheating while he was on the road. It escalated quickly and before I could stop the madness, Austin and I were packed up and moving into an apartment with Sue. It was during that move that I started having extreme cramps and Sue drove me to the ER. While sitting in the waiting room, I felt an urgent need to go to the restroom. Sorry in advance for the graphic nature of this incident in particular. As I shakily stood up from the toilet, I knew what I was looking at and had the strongest urge to scoop it out. It just looked like a lot of tissue and a little bloody, but I still knew. A bit later the doctor who examined me confirmed what I already knew…. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but this pregnancy isn’t going to be successful”. I think I may have blacked out for a moment when he said those words. There was a sobbing sound coming from somewhere and I was thinking,” Is that me?” But I couldn’t stop for the longest time. I lay there on that table and at some point came back from the abyss to realize that Sue was there with me, quietly sobbing and rubbing my back, saying over and over, “I’m so sorry Mel”….
I wasn’t myself for a long time after that. In fact, I guess I never got back to who I was before the miscarriage. I was absolutely heartbroken but also ANGRY. Angry at Lee for denying us, angry at myself for believing it could be any different, angry at God for taking my baby, angry at the world basically and everyone in it. The shame in that is still overwhelming too after all these years. I put those closest to me through a living hell for the next couple of months. I was in excruciating pain for several days after I miscarried and blew right through the pain pills prescribed to me, and then got a refill for those, and a refill for those too. The rules were very different back then and all you had to do was basically ask and you’d receive (hence the opioid crisis we’re in today). Nonetheless, the pills took the edge off, I was comfortably numb and that felt better than sober for sure. There were a couple of times that I took more than I should have and drank alcohol on top of that. That caused two things 1.) Vomiting 2.) Rage. It was the latter that caused me to screw up big time resulting in Sue and I getting into a HUGE argument one night (completely my fault) and she moved out of our apartment shortly thereafter. It was my mother who finally convinced me I shouldn’t get any more “refills”, (she could see what it was doing to me) and I thank God she did. I wasn’t addicted to them (yet), but I can see how easily that can happen to people after going through all that I did in this “rock bottom” period of my life. Once I came out of the haze, it was clear to me that I had to make some changes, not just for me, but for Austin most of all. He was yet again the one suffering because of my selfish choices. Even still, Lee came back around eventually and I fell once again. I was so desperate to give Austin the childhood he deserved, meanwhile still behaving like a child myself.
I had finally turned 21 and became a regular barfly. My main stomping ground was InCahoots (now known as Cowboys). Cee Cee and I thought we owned the place, we’d tear up the racetrack-style dance floor or the nearest speaker. We were even in their commercial! I danced with all the cowboys I could, drank as many Long Island teas as I could, and tried to hide my pain through my smile, as best as I could. Cee Cee ended up marrying Wayne and had her daughter Paige shortly after, but that didn’t stop me. Another one of my closest friends Janelle and I kept on rocking and made a lot of great memories too. She had a son very close in age with Austin and the four of us spent tons of time together. With both of us being single moms with similar interests, it was easy for us to lean on each other in those days. Sleepovers, hangover lunches at Chili’s, weeknights just letting the boys play while we hung out. God really knows what He’s doing when He brings people into our lives. We were certainly better off having them to get by with, and I love that I know that I can still call on her today if I need her, and I also know that she knows she can do the same. Janelle has always had my back, LITERALLY, on more than one occasion.
So many things were unknown back then, in a different way than it feels today. That’s one of the things I’m always preaching to my kids, each thing we go through in life is preparing us for who we’ll become, building our character, and teaching us things we sometimes have to struggle through to become the person God created us to be, seasons we live in, but are ever evolving. Perseverance and faith are required when trying to navigate through those tough times. Without those you can’t hear what God is trying to do in your life. I’ve learned that through plenty of horrifying things I survived, and although it’s not easy to swallow my pride and accept that most of what we lived through was due to my own doing. Had I taken the “right” path from the start, things could’ve been probably much easier, but at what cost? I may not have ended up where I’m at today and that’s scary considering the blessings that have been poured out on me time and time again. I want to hear “well done faithful servant” when I’m called home, so I plan to do my best to follow a righteous path, so I WILL persevere for that, even when it’s hard. That’s exactly why I’m struggling to share my story here, I know that God is calling me to show others that we all are worthy of our own redemption story. He has always used ‘messed up sinners”, and far be it from me to question his plan for me, no matter the consequences and chaos that may ensue as a result. I hear you Father, I’ll be your vessel, I’ll share these very personal stories because I know it’s YOU calling me too. If I can help one soul, well then I’ve done well.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24
Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind. Ecclesiastes 12:13
