In my last post, I talked a little bit about how Austin and I were living authentically, in the short time it was just he and I. And while that is true, it was rather short-lived. I was single for exactly eleven months before Ray and I got together. I can see now that wasn’t quite long enough to figure out who I was or who I wanted to be. The truth is that I’m still trying to figure that out on most days and I’m significantly older now, maybe a little wiser. I understand so much more now than I did back then, partly from experience, AKA the hard way, and partly because I’ve learned through actively studying the Bible and pursuing my relationship with the Lord.
One of the biggest and hardest lessons (that never goes away when kids are involved), is why God intended for us to only have one mate. I was always intentional about not bringing men around Austin, more confusion after the paternity debacle wasn’t the move. Any men that were around were just my friends. Period. Until Ray that is…. I had known Ray from high school and later as I stated previously, he, Lee, and Michael all lived together for a bit. He became a regular on drown beer nights when I was cocktail waitressing at my second job I worked to get Austin and me by. I remember catching him watching me work one night as he sat alone at the bar and I thought, “he’s pretty cute” for the first time. But it would be a long while before I ever even thought about him again. (God’s timing!)
One night Carly and I were at InCahoots and there was Ray, with his sister Gina and one of her friends. I said “hey”, but didn’t have time for more than that, they were playing the Southside Shuffle, and I had to get to the dance floor! Carly stayed there talking to him on the other side of the rail, while I tore up the dance floor. When the song ended, I walked over and we all chatted/flirted, had a couple of drinks, and then he left with us. (Have I said yet how hard it is to put your whole story out there for any and everyone to read?!!!) Insert one-night stand here…. I remember every detail, we woke up the next morning and I heated up some leftover pot roast for us, it was right before Christmas, and my little Christmas Tree was set up in the corner of my living room. Obviously, Austin wasn’t home, he had stayed with my parents the night before. After we ate, I drove him to pick up his work van. (He still drives a company van, but it’s our company!) He loves to tell everyone that when he “picked me up”, it was in that van. When we got there, he kissed me softly and got out. I left and didn’t talk to him again until February.
Melissa and I were lying around watching TV one Saturday afternoon when my phone rang. It was Ray calling and said he’d just bought some Kid Rock tickets and did I want to go and bring a couple of friends?! Is there any other answer than “YES” to that question?!! After we settled that, he asked what we were doing that night. He said that he and Monroe were hanging out and did we want to meet up. So we met them at Belle Isle Brewery that night and had a ton of fun! I wasn’t super into calling guys, I wanted to be the one being pursued. But by the time the next Friday rolled around, I’d had just enough liquid courage in me to call him up. When he answered, they were in the middle of a poker game. He lived with Monroe back then, and I could barely hear him over all the chaos in the background. I figured he was busy with his friends, but he dropped everything and came over to my friend Nikki’s where we were all staying the night. We spent a lot of our time together after that, I couldn’t get enough of him. Our chemistry was crazy and I remember trying to keep it cool, but he felt like home to me. I didn’t quite know what to do with that, but I knew I wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship.
A couple of months later, (April 2002), Michelle and her then-husband Charles, and me and Ray, decided to go down to visit my dad, his wife, and my baby sister in Houma, LA. not far from New Orleans, where we stayed one night as well. We had a great time the whole time. I saw Ray in a new light on that trip and it was there in New Orleans on the balcony of our hotel room that he told me he loved me for the first time. I didn’t say it back, we were drunk and I was scared. My thoughts immediately went to Austin and what did it mean for him that Ray loved me? Ray barely knew Austin (or me! for that matter), what was the future going to look like when you factored in a kid? Had he thought of that? Had I? Those were the resounding thoughts that played over and over in my mind on the ten-hour drive home. Nevertheless, when we pulled up to Monroe’s house to drop him off, I felt sick leaving him. It felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind with him.
When I got home and back to Austin, I took the time to focus on him and get back into our routine. Meanwhile, my mind kept swirling back around to Ray. Where was this going? Is this what I want? Did he really mean it when he said he loved me or was that the alcohol? We had gotten back into town on Sunday and by that Wednesday, we were meeting up at the local bar, along with a bunch of our friends. I’d decided to just “go with the flow”, after all, we were in no rush, right? That was until I was coming out of the bathroom which was located by the pool tables where Ray was. He scooped me up into a big bear hug and said “I love you Melissa!” and followed that up with “and Austin too!” Then he set me back down on the ground and commenced to playing pool like that hadn’t just happened. Now my head was really spinning and I had NO IDEA what to do or what was coming.
Fast forward to TWENTY years later…. Yes, I’ve learned a LOT since then, do I have all the answers now? Hard NO there. BUT, I have learned and I do KNOW that The Lord can turn all things into good for HIS glory. I know He never meant for me/us to live so recklessly. But in spite of that, He brought forth beauty. Beauty in our love, our marriage, our family, the very things He had planned for us all along, and allowed our “mistakes” to be what got us here. Right here where he meant for us to be.
Isaiah 55:8 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith The Lord. KJV
