On my way to yet another doctor’s appointment this morning and that stupid song came on. Eye of the Tiger…. Any other time I’d be quick to change the channel, but not today. Today I listened and let the memories flood my mind as I drove. Playing “Just Dance” on the Wii, she always picked that damn song & would dance while we all laughed. I knew she picked it just to get under my skin, today was different though. I heard the motivation in the words, despite the cheesyness of it all. That was her though, Gina, my sister-in-law. She was an ’80s queen, like she owned the ’80s. She was a hustler, not like a drug dealer, more like a really good car salesman type. She’d befriend anyone & before they knew it, she’d offer one or all of the services she provided via any of the companies she’d started all on her own. She was the ultimate entrepreneur, no one could argue that. More than that, she believed in herself, despite the ridicule that she endured when she’d propose one of her crazy ideas. We laughed a lot at her hair-brained schemes, but she never let it slow her down, much less stop her. Hindsight, if I hadn’t walked around with a chip on my shoulder, I might’ve learned a few things. If I had believed in myself the way she did, maybe I could’ve really helped her when I knew she needed it, vs. letting others tell me to mind my own business or the equivalent of…. Would that have made a difference if I’d been as stubborn as she? I guess we’ll never know. I woke up just after 3 AM the night/morning she died. I had a terrible feeling that something wasn’t right, it kept me up until 6:30. Ray had gotten up sometime around 4:00 to use the restroom & asked why was I slicing watermelon at that hour. I told him I was trying to occupy my mind, that something wasn’t right. I got to church that morning & Cee Cee asked what was wrong & that I looked “off” somehow. It would be less than an hour later when I found out what was amiss. It’s been 12 days since we got the call, 12 days since we began living in this alternate universe without her, and 12 days of “what if”.
Now, in this new world, I’m watching everything through this new lens. It’s super unsettling & at the same time, there’s this tiny spark starting to flicker. It’s not lit yet, but I can barely see it if I squint my eyes really hard. It just might be the spark of inspiration? Courage? Motivation? Things I’ve been grasping for, for at least….. well I guess most of my life. It’s come & gone throughout the years, but this time it’s fueled by the harsh reality that I in fact, am not immortal & time is passing with every tick of the clock, with every doctor appointment I have to endure. I’ve got plans, goals, dreams, & so did Gina. Now she’s gone & I KNOW she wasn’t ready. If that’s not incentive, I don’t know what is.
I’d hit a wall with this blog, crippled by fear. The lies the devil was telling me had me questioning every reason I ever thought it was a good idea to put myself out there for anyone to read. This horrifying loss in my family, now has me questioning how I let him steal from me yet again. How I wish I’d talked to Gina about it. I’m guessing if she could advise me now, she’d say something like, “Do it anyway”, just like she did. Dance like no one is watching, even if they all are. Heck, maybe nobody will even read it, but I’ll never know unless I put myself out there. Lesson learned, BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!! How can we expect others to believe in us, if we ourselves can’t?! She did though, at least she used to.
She drove me crazy throughout the years, we fought like real sisters many times. And now, here I am & she’s not. She’s not here to goad me & yet she’s goading me from the grave. I can literally feel her hugs, I can hear her laughter & I know she’s expecting me to follow through. The crazy thing is that I’d give anything to be able to tell her that she taught me that, just like she taught me to snow ski. I looked up to her from the start when Ray & I first got together. That was back when she was still on top of her game before circumstances & heartbreak began to wear her down. And now that I’m literally looking up to her again (in Heaven), I have the crystal clear perspective that I let anger & bitterness straight from the enemy himself, steal what could’ve been just the pure joy that we were intended to have in each other. To love each other, to show mercy & grace that our Heavenly Father continued to pour out on both of us & our family. If you’d asked me 12 days ago, I’d have a lengthy list of why I was right. Today it’s dawned on me that that list is as gone as she is. Ephesians 4:32 NIV says “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” I know that, & even with bitterness still in my heart, thankfully she & I were on good, although a little shaky ground. I have great comfort in knowing that when she left us, she knew I loved her & now knows just how much of a difference she made in my world. The good, the bad, the ugly & none of it matters anymore. What does matter, is that she has opened my mind, my heart & my soul to this valuable lesson & now that shaky ground I was standing on is affirmation to not give up on myself, to persevere. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, like Gina did…..
R.I.P. Gina, I love you
It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight
Risin up to the challenge of our rival
and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
and he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger….
