It’s a proven fact that way more than our eye/hair color, skin type, etc. is determined by our DNA. Other things like a certain face we make or the way we laugh just like our parent/family member are also obvious. Other things, deeper, way down in there, maybe not so obvious to the human eye, but are still very real. Things that can be great, or not so much….. Regardless, they are predetermined and we don’t get a choice in that. We do get a choice in what we do with it, however. That may sound like I think it’s cut & dry, on the contrary, what I think, is that we’re all human. Which means that it’s also in our DNA to mess up, make mistakes…. Maybe we shouldn’t have done whatever the thing was that set us on our path of destruction, but we did… so now what? I feel like I’m somewhat of an expert in this field, having done PLENTY of screwing up in my day. After completing numerous Bible studies, I’ve also learned about how we are called to react to these “mistakes”. Two words, GRACE & FORGIVENESS. Believe me, when I tell you, those were not the words I used countless times when I was on the receiving end of others “screwing” up, or screwing me over. Mine were much more colorful & usually had (sometimes still do) four letters. Having been served a big ol’ helping of humble pie, countless times, I’ve learned that the grief that comes along with it all is just our nature. Just like a wounded animal, we retreat to lick our wounds. BUT, it’s the way you move forward that can make or break you.
As I said on my home page, I’ve been led to tell my story & it isn’t a pretty one. It’s FULL of moments that I have carried around for years as such shame and regret; it robbed me of some of what could’ve/would’ve been so beautiful, had I been able to see the beauty from the ashes of all I had “burned down”. Watch out this is where it starts getting real personal, but first a little background of my own, I don’t think you can really tell the story without starting at the beginning.
My parents were married at 18. Both were eager to get out from under their parent’s thumbs, get out into the world & prove to everyone that they were the adults they said they were. It was the 70’s & all that that implies. It wasn’t uncommon to get married at that age back then or to start a family (which I’m certain has a HUGE part to play in the divorce rate from that generation). It was Stephenville, Texas which was a small town then, still is kind of, but a college town (Tarleton) & a great place to be!! My mom had just recently moved there from Enid, Oklahoma due to what my Granny refers to as my Papa’s midlife crisis. They opened up a Sonic and well the rest is history. It was to all of my grandparent’s dismay that this was the path they had chosen for themselves, but they were 18 & determined. A short time later, they became babies with a baby (me), & then babies with another baby (Dale). My mom’s parents & sisters moved back to Oklahoma, so now here she was a married, mother of two without her parents to help her. The problems started early on for the two of them, each headstrong & growing in very different directions. We moved around (a lot), and ended up in Oklahoma. Mom figured out that she did in fact need her parents after all (THANK GOD) & that Dale & I did too. They gave it a valiant try my mom & dad, but were doomed from the start. With my brother & I as collateral damage, they divorced. Then they remarried, annnnd then divorced again.
After their first split, they both went on to meet new people. My mom met the man who became my 2nd dad during that time & my dad went down a different path. Both of them trying to find their way for the first time “on their own” as adults, yet still being the “kids” they were in reality. My dad began bartending & being the stud he was/is, quickly had quite literally groupies & all the crazy people that he worked with & met along the way became a part of mine & my brother’s lives too. Everything that had come into play during that time, was of course what ultimately resulted in the final demise of our little family foursome. I need to clarify here that this is what I meant earlier when I spoke of grace & forgiveness. Although it never really occurred to me to blame either one of my parents. In my mind, I only knew that I loved them both & it didn’t matter to me who had done what, regardless of the conflicting stories we were told.
So then we got a new stepdad who came with a new sister, from our mom. And while the transition wasn’t overnight, we became & remain to this day a family. Shortly after, came our baby sister, whom we all adored & spoiled rotten & that too, is still true today. Mom had custody of us & dad got every other weekend, Wednesday nights, & a couple of weeks in the summer, the standard visitation back then. Since he bartended all the time, this gave Dale & me free rein to act like wild animals, Lord of the Flies style. He had the coolest apartment that had all kinds of resources for us to create havoc in every way we could. Being eight & six years old, we broke every rule he gave us… “Don’t go to the pond without me”, “Don’t flip over the handrail from the loft onto the couch”, “Don’t watch HBO”…. We did all that & then some, but somehow survived it all. He did the best he could with what he had to work with & we loved going to his house in spite of the trouble we inevitably got ourselves into because that meant we got to see our dad. Later he met and married a woman who I thought was the coolest. Looking back now, it’s scary to see how a kid can be so misled by an adult who is grooming them for whatever purpose. Their lifestyle was in the fast lane for sure. All of those crazy people I referred to earlier, were a mainstay during this period of our lives. Our dad though, he did his best to “wear all the hats”… He built us the coolest playhouse in their backyard, where we & all the neighborhood friends we made, would hang out & have sleepovers. Everyone wanted to be at our house all the time, so much so that Dale decided he’d move in with them full-time & mom let him go try it out. I’m not 100% clear on exactly when our stepmom started to abuse him, but it happened nonetheless. Neglect, verbal & emotional abuse, when no one else was looking. As soon as my mom got wind of what was going on, it hit the fan!! I, on the other hand, was the golden child, the daughter she wanted, but never had. She spoiled me right up until the day she & dad split. Some of the things that went on in that house are what shaped my brother & me into the people that we are today. For instance, our stepmom was a hairdresser. You know the handheld mirrors they have right? Well, there was a wet bar in our living room & Dale & I learned the hard way that we needed to do a paraphernalia sweep throughout the house before having friends inside, due to the fact that one of Dad’s bar friends had once answered the door at our house while rolling a joint & it was our friends’ mother coming to get them. Anyway, one day while “sweeping”, Dale discovered our stepmom’s mirror on the counter in the wet bar with a razor blade, short straw & white residue on it. We weren’t exactly sure what it was we were looking at, but knew it wasn’t good because well, HBO taught us that…. We hunkered down behind the bar together, shaking & scared, and promised each other right then & there that we would NEVER do drugs. I remember when that theory was tested for me the first time, but that’s a story for another day.
The moral of this story is this…. we were some of the lucky ones. Neither of us, nor our parents were ever addicts. They outgrew that lifestyle & my brother & I overcame our circumstances. Other people we know/loved weren’t so fortunate. Some people are only children, who maybe never had a sibling to make a pact with or parents that turned their lives around. Maybe their parents weren’t just addicts, but also the ones who introduced them to whatever. Or maybe whatever took them down the wrong path wasn’t drugs at all. Whether it was abuse, neglect, or absence of a parent/role model/any person who cared about them…. we are all products of our DNA in WHATEVER capacity that looks like. So when navigating the waters of our own lives, it will do us all a service to remember that a little (or a lot) of grace & forgiveness can get you through life. How can we ask or expect our Heavenly Father to forgive our sins/transgressions, if we can’t forgive others who’ve “trespassed against us”? Besides anger & resentment = wrinkles & who needs any help getting those?! There are plenty of Bible verses that explain this theory, 2 Chronicles 32:8 says that God fights our battles for us. Ephesians 6:11 says to put on the full armor of God. If you can do this, every day, make this a conscious decision, to let Him protect you, and fight your battles, then you will experience a peace like you never knew when you were trying to do it all on your own. This is a lesson I’ve learned & continue to try to wrap my head around in the toughest times life throws at me. After all, I’m human, a constant work in progress. Some days it comes easy, others it’s a struggle, which is why we SHOULD afford others the grace & forgiveness that we so desperately seek for ourselves…. We’re all in this together, ain’t none of us getting out alive.
There are so many things that I’ve been dealt in life, some consequences of my own choices, some because of choices others made for me & some because of things done to me. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface, I hope you’ll come back to read more!
