As I plunk down on the bed with my PB&J in one hand & remote in the other, the thought crosses my mind… was this how she started her day that day? My best friend. Her mom told me that’s how she found her… she’d been on a ham sandwich kick & had made herself a plate & then taken it back to her room. I’ll never forget the sound of Carly’s voice when I got the call that day. “Susie’s dead,” she said. Thank God Cee Cee, my other best friend, was actually there at my house with me, otherwise I myself might’ve died right then too. I called my husband in hysterics, to which he replied, “What do you want me to do?” I know, harsh right? We’ll get to that later. So here I am with my sandwich, staring at the TV, wondering will this be the way I go out too? Please God, don’t let it be so.
When I met her, it was because of mutual friends we had. It was the summer before my sophomore year, I was innocent & prude. I had never kissed a boy, much less anything more seedy than that. However, my younger brother had some pretty cute friends who’d been hanging around pretty much daily, whom I’d been practicing my flirting on & was getting good at it too! The “cutest”, or so I thought at the time, had a girlfriend & they had been having sex for a while at that point. We all thought that was impressive, seeing as how we hadn’t done it yet. He & my brother were on the same baseball team. One evening I was out on our front porch with my mom & a car pulled up with my bro & his friends after finishing practice that night. They all got out, cutting up, pushing each other around, not noticing us on the porch. My mom had told me that Dale was bringing friends home to stay the night, but I had no idea what was about to happen in my little world that day. There was a new kid with them, he was tall & athletic, tan with brown hair & brown eyes.”Woah!” I thought!! I can still see him spin around & make eye contact with me. I can still feel the way my stomach dropped & my heart skipped a beat. I recognize now that it was love. An instinct rooted somewhere so deeply inside me, but I was yet a baby & had no clue what it meant or what to do with it. I’ve felt it two other times since that day, and there are times when I’m still not sure what to do with it, do I even want it? It always wins in the end, of course I want it, even though the ease others speak of regarding love usually eludes me.
It was at a back-to-school football scrimmage when I met Susie. She was friends with the girlfriend of the cute friend of my brother, you know, the ones who were having sex! I remember feeling like such a baby, they seemed so much more grown-up than me, even though I was older, I guess because we all knew what they’d been up to. It was North vs. South . Dale & his cute friend were North, his girlfriend South. The cute “new friend” of Dale’s was from South & the real reason I was there. Susie was super sweet from the start, I could tell she was in awe of me because I was there with the boys & it was all too clear that she was head over heels for her friend’s boyfriend. We bonded instantly, us two misfits. She was super mature & I was super immature so we met in the middle & formed the closest friendship. She stayed the night many nights that year & we shared all of our deepest hopes & secrets. She was there through it all, & I was too for her. We each had our circles, but it just continued to become one giant circle. The day we buried her, one of my only memories of the actual service, was that most of us were there. They were all seated around me, patting me, stroking my hair, wiping my tears, in the same church she got married in. I hadn’t been back there since, how the memories consumed me with every breath I took. I saw her mom at Walmart yesterday, she had three of her grandkids with her, Susie’s brother’s kids. She faltered just enough for only me to notice as she introduced me to them. “This is your Aunt Susie’s very, very best friend in the whole wide world,” she told them. Then she looked at me & barely choked out,” They don’t remember their Aunt Susie”. I assured them that their aunt loved them so much & spoke of them all the time. Then she & I hugged it out & we all went on our way. As I walked away with my youngest son, the one Susie always called “Boyfriend”, it took all I had to keep my composure & Thank the Lord that I was still here for another day with the husband, kids, family & friends that HE blessed me with. Here another day to live to the fullest, even if only this morning I sat there with my PB&J & remote, unsure of how I got there… All I do know is that He did wake me up another day, & today I’ve found the courage to begin to share my story….
Wow!