It became obvious, a few months into Austin’s life, that something had shifted between not only Michael and me but with his family as well. The only time we ever spoke was when I would reach out to them. Finally, his mother told me that she’d been getting “anonymous” phone calls saying that Austin wasn’t Michael’s baby. Obviously, I was devastated, embarrassed, and furious all at once. She was understandably devastated as well, and we didn’t really talk after that. It took several meetings, crying arguments, and random sightings of each other here and there for Michael and I to realize that we needed to do something about the “rumors” in order to move forward with our lives. However, it seemed Austin and I were the only ones that it was affecting on a daily basis, and I had no idea how I’d ever afford a paternity test. Also, in my mind, I KNEW that he was the father.
Austin’s first Thanksgiving was approaching and that Wednesday before, he got deathly ill. We went to the pediatrician where his breathing was so labored, the doctor told me to take him straight to the hospital and he’d meet us there, I called Michael to tell him and he replied that he was at work and would come up there when he could. I think that was the moment that I felt most alone since giving birth to my innocent baby boy who was caught up in the middle of this mess. My baby was so sick. He’d become so dehydrated within an alarmingly short amount of time. Every time he took a breath, his little chest would appear to cave completely in and a horrible wheezing sound accompanied it. I was trying to keep calm as the nurses were furiously working to get him admitted and beginning treatments and medicine to get him on the road to recovery. He was 9 months old and sitting in my lap, while they poked and prodded him over and over again. The both of us just sat there crying. They attempted to start an IV FIVE times between two nurses, until I couldn’t take it anymore and told them they weren’t going to touch him again and to go get someone who knew what they were doing. Shortly after a new nurse came in and told me they were taking him for “testing” and I couldn’t go with them. When they brought him back to me he had an IV line in the top of his head and they had given him some kind of sedative to calm him down and prevent him from pulling the line out. That might’ve been my breaking point had my mom, and aunt (who worked at the hospital), not shown up right around that time. Have I mentioned how amazing my family is?! Me and Austin would have never made it through all that we did without them. It turned out, my baby had croup, pneumonia, and the flu all at once. We were at the hospital for an entire week with him where he had to stay in an oxygen-tented crib for the majority of the visit. I would get in there with him as much as they’d allow, he needed his mama to hold him and I’d be pouring with condensation by the time I’d get out. We were there through Thanksgiving, and the loss of my job because I “chose” to take off to be with my son, as if there were ever another choice?! Austin made a full recovery and we were released back to the messy life I’d created for us.
When Lee and I first met he lived with his dad, step-mom, half-brother and step-sister whom his dad had adopted. She and I became fast friends and spent MANY nights together throughout the years whether Lee and I were on or off, she and I remained close. It was a night shortly after Austin was released from the hospital and my mom told me she’d be happy to keep him so that I could get out of the house and go ride around with Ranee (Lee’s sister) and have some time to myself. I don’t remember the exact reason we were driving through an apartment complex parking lot, but nonetheless, that’s where we encountered quite the surprise. There was a group of a few guys who yelled at us as we drove by in Ranee’s fire-red Camaro. She slowed to a stop and rolled down her window, and to ALL of our surprise, it was Lee who leaned in for a closer look. He about swallowed his tongue when he realized it was his sister and his Ex whom he’d been catcalling. It was under the ruse that he needed a ride, that got him in the car with us and back to my (parent’s) house where he had spent the night that night and for the next couple of weeks after that. Up until that point, he’d been caught up in life in the very fast lane and was telling me that he desperately wanted to get out.
It was getting close to Christmas time and my parents welcomed Lee “home” with open arms, just as they did all the strays. They were (and still are) the ones who’ll help anyone who needs it, anyone who has no one, and they passed that down to us kids as well. So much so in my case, that I’ve been taken advantage of over and over by people who wouldn’t ever do the same for me. Since then I’ve learned hard lessons about boundaries, and some even harder lessons about forgiveness.
On Christmas Eve Lee was having a hard time. His truck broke down and he was unemployed due to the lifestyle he’d been living up until that point (remember he’d just graduated high school about six months before). He decided to call his dad to ask for help to get his truck fixed. The call didn’t go well, and his dad refused him. He tried to pretend everything was fine, but I could tell that it wasn’t. Now is when I should probably mention that a couple of weeks prior to this, I’d found out that Lee was in possession of a small .22 pistol. Probably the same one he’d brought to our house the night before Austin was born. He told me that he’d get rid of it, and I never thought to check to see if he had. It’s also very apparent how naive I was now that I’m looking back on it all. Lee told me he needed to get out of the house get some fresh air and cool down. He’d been gone a little while and I was busy with something in the back bedroom when I heard my little sister screaming in a way I’d never heard before and it sent a chill through me I’d never experienced. It felt as if everything was in slow motion after that. She got to the bedroom door and cried out, “Sissy! Lee’s on the front porch bleeding and he’s been shot!” I remember trying to make my feet move, but it felt like they were weighed down by blocks of concrete. My mind was racing, shot?! NO! Where was Austin? Where were my parents? I made it to the hall to hear my mother screaming into the phone and somehow my grandparents were coming through the front door then too. I saw Austin sitting in the living room floor surrounded by his toys, but not playing with any of them. He was instead focused on my stepdad dragging Lee into the dining room by the lapels of the jacket that he’d loaned him earlier when he went for his “walk”. There was blood on his abdomen so my dad lowered him to the floor as gently as he could. I knelt down next to him and begged him not to leave me. We had made all these plans about moving out and being a little family, just him, Austin, and me. But here he was, bleeding out in my parent’s dining room instead. It all felt like a bad dream I couldn’t wake up from. He began to fade in and out of consciousness with me screaming for him to hang on. After what seemed like hours, but was really no time at all, the paramedics arrived and my dad had to physically drag me away so the paramedics could do their job. They were asking all these questions while I felt like they were wasting valuable time. They asked him who shot him and he said, “I did”. I was stunned, that hadn’t really occurred to me. They told me I could ride in the ambulance with him, but I had to ride in front. We drove away from the house rather slowly or so it seemed and I asked the driver why she was going so slow. She explained to me that she was trying to keep the rig as stable as she could to prevent excessive movement in the back. She then explained that they only use the lights and sirens when someone is in critical condition and they felt as though Lee was stable. Almost immediately after that, her partner radioed something to her over their headsets and she flipped on the lights, stepped on the gas, and hit the sirens.
I prayed the whole way to the hospital, which seemed like an eternity. Once we got there, Lee was rushed to the back and I was left in the lobby all alone. Someone called Lee’s dad, was it me? My Mom? Regardless he and his wife at the time showed up around the same time as my parents. As we waited I felt like I was in an alternate universe, I went into full zombie mode. Everyone was asking me questions that I really didn’t have the answers to. Finally, a couple of hours later the doctor came out and told us that they had fixed him up and that he would make a full recovery. His dad told me he had to get back on the road to work and to “take care of his boy”. That was it….. I stayed the night at the hospital and left the next morning to run home and see Austin. I got cleaned up and quickly made my way back to the hospital before Lee woke up.
It was another long and exhausting day, also my son’s first Christmas and I wasn’t with him. I was mad, hurt, and sad all at the same time and it was all because of Lee. If I hadn’t felt the compassion that I did for him being alone, I would have been with Austin. That evening as Lee lay there sleeping, I crept down to the pay phone to call my mom and check on Austin. She gave me the rundown and said before we hung up that Michael had called and wanted me to call him. Great….. I did call him though, I assumed he maybe wanted to see Austin for Christmas, but instead, he was checking on me and asked how Lee was. He convinced me to come over and spend the night so I could get some real rest since Lee was sleeping most of the time anyway. He was staying at his brother’s apartment and was the only one awake by the time I got there. We lay there for hours that night reflecting on everything that had transpired over the last year and a half. We cried A LOT, we laughed, we reminisced, we “what if’d”, until we couldn’t hold our eyes open for one more minute. I woke up before him and quietly slipped out a couple of hours later. I went home to hold my baby for a while and then put on my big girl panties, sucked it up, and went back to the hospital. I remained there for the duration of the time, Lee was starting to come back to life and I couldn’t bring myself to leave him alone given the circumstances.
When Lee was finally released from the hospital, it wasn’t long before we made good on our plans to move in together. We rented a little trailer house and were ‘living the dream” (HA). Lee went on the road to work with his dad and so did a couple of his best friends. Every day there was a new trauma or drama that we lived through over the telephone; the bombing of the Murrah Building was one of the big ones. We played phone tag all day that day, the phone lines were jammed, but he finally got through that night. Ironically, my Granny was taking Austin and me downtown across the street from the Murrah Building that morning to give some paperwork to Lee’s aunt that she was helping him with regarding his hospital stay. However, when we were going through the donut shop, we heard the blast and as we turned onto Reno heading East, we saw the large gray cloud over downtown and decided we’d go down there the next day instead, not knowing at that time what had happened. It shook Lee up thinking that he had sent Austin and me to our deaths before finally getting to talk to me that night. We would spend hours talking at night, telling each other about our days, and making big plans until that became less and less. My brother even went to work with them for a while and though I had my suspicions before, that was when I learned he’d been cheating on me all along. Shortly after that revelation, we parted ways again. And there I was, a single mom all over again…. But never alone, I had my son, and THE SON was there all along. Silently waiting for me to return to Him. Fighting battles that I had never seen and winning them for me every time.
1Peter 5:10
In His kindness God called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Jesus Christ. So after you have suffered a while, He will restore you.
