Trying to rehash your past while dealing with death, health troubles, three teens at home & everyday life in general has been more than I ever imagined. Add to that the physical pain I’ve been in has had me holed up like a little old 90 year old recluse. Mentally I want to live my life full speed, but physically I’m more like a snail trying to get somewhere in a hurry. At church Sunday, an inspiring man in our church family got up and gave a testimony about not being stagnant about our goals; he might as well have said my name personally. I think of my story that has to be told all the time, but when I look at the date of my last entry, I’m disgusted with myself. Funny/not funny how easily the devil uses our very life circumstances to drown us, keeping us (so subtly) from completing God’s work, which is what started me down this path in the first place; despite the fact that A LOT of my story was lived far apart from HIM.
So back to my story where I left off…. Young (blind) love…. At this point, I’m 17 and admittedly looking at my 17-year-old self, and wanting to beat and/or ground her into submission; bootcamp, military, whatever it would take!! Coincidentally one of my daughters just turned 17 and the other will in a couple of weeks, God bless us all!!! I now had two boys on the hook, because as my Papa used to say, “Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free?” Granted we were kids and none of us were thinking about “buying the milk”. But, of course, Lee came running back when he saw I was “living my best life” after he dumped me. So I was starting to feel really good about myself now, neither one of them could get enough of me. Which obviously felt like a great thing after being drug through the gutter (in my mind) full of self-loathing and disgust. Of course, now I recognize that was the devil himself attacking me when I was at my most naïve and vulnerable. I was a child pretending to be an adult and truly had no idea what I was up against. The troubles and sorrows laid out before the three of us as a consequence to the way we all three chose to roll the dice. Even though I snuck back and forth, the two of them were well aware of the situation & it worked out fine for them because they each had a side piece as well. Again, young and FOOLISH children.
This went on for quite some time and I’d been through plenty of ups & downs with both of them. Then another guy from high school came into my life for a brief, but crucial time. Both Lee and Michael were doing their own things, but neither one of them was happy that I was into someone else. I had a lot of fun with this guy, but that was pretty much the extent of it. In fact, he & Michelle ended up dating later, but I’m not there yet. We (the third guy & I), floated the Illinois River with some friends, went to the lake, a few dates, and not much more. Right before we split, I’d been staying At CeeCee’s apartment with her & we were getting ready for a big party at this friend of ours farmhouse. it was June 5th & I know that because it turned into my birthday at midnight. I had told “third guy” that I’d meet him at the party because I was going with CeeCee and Michelle. However, while at CeeCee’s, Michael called and asked if I was going to the party. I told him “yes & I’d see him there”. Unbeknownst to me, he & third guy were setting me up. (Michael was bound to sabotage me, he simply wasn’t going to stand for that.) So the truth and humiliating facts are that, that night would be the last intimate night for me & third guy, at the party in the back seat of CeeCee’s car. He left shortly after & I stayed and proceeded to get entirely wasted and strutted around pretty full of myself because apparently I was a hot commodity.
This is the part where I need to insert a disclaimer that the very basis of my fear of telling my truth and the judgment to follow will stem from. To put myself out there for ANYONE to read and judge me by. My parent’s, family, in-laws, pastor & church family, peers, and MOST OF ALL… MY CHILDREN… The part where my life bottomed completely out before the most Glorified Blessing from God would be brought to me. My own personal Beauty From Ashes story…
So… partying on & someone needed something from the store, so me, CeeCee & Michelle packed it in & ran to 7-11. Guess who’s in the parking lot?! I’ll save you the trouble; it was Lee. I got out of the car & he yelled over to me, so I go running to him. “It’s my birthday “, I told him. He said, “I know, I got you something!” “What?”, I ask. And he lays a big ol’ kiss on me right there in the parking lot. CeeCee & Michelle began honking & yelling at me to get in the car but when I did all I could think about was that kiss. The rest of the night was a blur, but I talked & flirted my way through most of it with Michael. Later, we girls ended it by going back to CeeCee’s apartment & crashing. The next day and for most of that summer, Michael & I were spending a lot of time together. Except for the day that Lee showed up at my house on his birthday, June 24th, to “see me” and get his birthday kiss from me (a returning the favor type of situation). Things led to things then we didn’t talk again for quite a while. The thing with Michael continued almost every night. Looking back, I realize that this was where the love really began to develop (for me anyway). He had still been talking to his on & off girlfriend, but I had no idea that they were supposedly a couple! He lived in a trailer on his granny’s property & one night while we were watching a movie & making out etc. on his couch, we heard some noises outside. He got up & looked out the window, but didn’t see anything, so he locked the door & came back to me. We picked up where we left off & heard glass breaking on his front door. I’m in shock & completely naked except for one sock & here comes his girlfriend full speed ahead, right for me!! He got her off of me & pinned her to the couch while I grabbed my things and ran out the door to my car. I drove home & he was calling by the time I got there to apologize. I accepted, (still in denial of my feelings for him & the wall I’d built around my heart). However, we cooled down after that for a few weeks. UNTIL…. early August rolls around & it occurs to me that I’m late. As in a few weeks. No way, this can’t be!! My last cycle was after my night with Lee… So I took a pregnancy test & there they were the two pink lines. I was in shock, though I don’t know why. What in the world did I think was going to happen? Clearly, it’s Michael’s, I hadn’t been with anyone else except Lee that one time?!! Oh dear, stupid, girl…
John 4 NIV tells the story of a woman who meets Jesus at the well. HE offers her a drink of Living Water & she doesn’t understand how He, a Jew could be offering her, a Samaritan, a drink (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans). HE assures her that the water HE is offering her is not of the well, but from HIM & that whoever drinks the water, will have a spring of water welling up to eternal life in them. He tells her to go back and tell her husband & come back, to which she replies that she doesn’t have one. He then said to her that He knew she had indeed five husbands in the past & that the man she was with now was not her husband. She realized then that this MAN, was a prophet & he revealed to her that HE is in fact the Messiah.
When I heard this story, after the sinful life I had lived back then, it spoke to me & humbled me in a way I’d never known. Since then I’ve drank from the living well & redeemed myself, trying my hardest and failing miserably most of the time to be better, to do better. As CeeCee often reminds me, the Bible said Abraham was righteous just because of his faith. Because he believed. Could it really be that simple? I believe so. Me? Righteous? Hard to believe, but having worked these things out for my own good & living with the good & perfect plan that God turned this whole mess into, has me believing it can come true. Are people going to judge me? use this against me? Maybe, but God has forgiven me and that’s the lesson here. I encourage you to read John Chapter 4 & the whole story of the woman at the well, maybe it will reveal a piece of your past to you and can help you get through it too.
Stay tuned…..